Last night I found it hard to breathe; I kept hyperventilating and I couldn't find a spot to sleep without somehow cutting off air. it was rather odd and scary. I kept on having to sit up and scrunch up and then lay back down and bah. rather disturbing. right now my forehead is burny and pinchy. if I die, I'll know where all the bad karma is coming from.

I'll Drive Myself Insane Till I Hit The Floor
09:30 PM CST

Everything is just stupid lately; I don't know how to explain it, but it's like everyone and everything has fallen off a mountain and turned upside down. moods, weird, odd. I don't like any of it and I'd rather just go cry in a corner where the normal people live then have to deal with absurdity.

I'm not sayin' I'm completely sane, but I'm not insane either. I can be weird, I can joke around, I know this. it's just when things are taken too far and people don't make sense anymore and cannot go back to normal when I want them to, that I go crazy. of course, I'm always told to chill ...to just ignore it all. it's just disconcerting how I always feel like I'm overbearingly trying to be nice to everyone and then they yell at me and then, THEN, when I happen to defend myself, I'm apparently in the wrong. I'm not talking about any one person either. there are plenty.

ICQ guy described me as 'ripping his head off' for being helpful. hrm. perhaps I'm projecting my bad mood onto him just cause of that whole *sexy* conversation. I somehow always feel sorry and in the wrong, too when I really shouldn't. it's everyone's right to have their own opinion and I might as well not get upset about it; it's their thing and not mine.

Sometimes I have no idea what I'm arguing about and then someone will be severely nice to me and I'll feel like such a bitch when I know they weren't nice in the beginning or whatever. I was talking to ethan earlier on icq actually and he mentioned that feeling you get that someone is screwing you over and then they explain themselves enough that you cannot say anything about it. yes, that's the feeling I get alot. like I'm the big bitch in disguise cause I think such horrible thoughts about certain people without even realising it. it isn't any one person inparticular or well, okay, ICQ guy for one - I don't know. I think I just read him wrong just like I read alot of people wrong.

Another example of doing wrong is when someone is obviously joking around and I jump down their throat. it's a reflex; I cannot seem to help it and then I get embarssed when they say I'm in the wrong for taking it seriously. eh. I hate myself. everyone else hates me, too. they just pretend to like me when it's convenient. I never have an upperhand. I'm soon realising this. again, I'm not talking about one particular person or situation. it's just an in general realisation and overall feeling.


---

One thing I always have, if I don't have any relationships ever again or ever in general since I never had a mutual relationship at all; just *almost* ones, is music. music is my savior - I wish I could marry music and forever be in its presence ...well, okay, that's practically already there. I almost always have music playing; music is playing now. Tram - Social Disease is on now. how appropriate.


---

Maybe spending some money later would make me happy. I want the Of Montreal album now :D
I'M NOT A NAZI!!! they are lovely.


---

I'm not really mad right now. I just somehow want to have normal conversation again. I always feel on the defensive and that's no way to live.

Previous . Next

11 Followers:

You really need to get out:
"Maybe spending some money later would make me happy."
Read that and think about it. Your world revolves around money that you really haven't earned. Doesn't it make you feel wrong for spending it? Don't you feel wrong for barely making any attempt to solve and come to terms with your anxiety issues.

Eventually your mom will pass away. What will you do then, you don't make enough money to live on your own.

Also by that point you will be so deep into your anxiety issues you won't even try to survive.

You need to get out on your own and stop worrying about such trivial problems like whether or not you're a bitch on ICQ. What you're doing here is not what life is about.

- 03.26.2002 11:08 AM - WhataBurger

---------

Please use a real name and not a pseudonym if you're going to leave a negative comment.

Furthermore, mom laughed at that passed away statement - *knocks on wood* she's not dying anytime soon; she's not that old.

Thanks for the amusement W (who wrote the last comment as well - I ip check dontcha know?)

- 03.26.2002 05:57 PM - Amber

---------

No offense, but you're only overbearingly nice when you want something, or you feel you can benifit in some way from a certain person. You've never been overbearingly nice to moi. Civil, yes, which I definitely apreciate, but not that nice. You're very intelligent, and I know that if ya got out of the house, and faced all the evil 'normal' people out there you could do fine. Of course even 'normal' people who don't have social anxiety proplems like you don't always do fine either. It's a part of life, and a risk you take. I really like you, and think you're an interesting person. Of course I can't help you.

- 03.26.2002 06:53 PM - Beth

---------

Okay, first off, an in general note - this isn't pertaining to any one person who has posted here - but why is it that everything has to come back to my anxiety? as y'all can tell, this entry wasn't about that at all. it was in reference to those online who play mind games and I have trouble reading.

Also, I almost wrote about the Oscars and The Bachelor which I watched last night on abc. would I have gotten the same response?
Ex. Why does it matter if Russell Crowe is conceited cause he patted himself on the shoulder and gave a thumbs up when the camera landed on him? you should worry about your anxiety. or why does it matter which girl the bachelor picks to marry? your anxiety is a more important matter.

Anyway, I'm not trying to be overbearing here, but the reason I don't talk about anxiety all the time (as you may know, I only bring it up when necessary as background info like in the haircut entry or someone else brings it up first) is cause I've had to deal with it since 1998. I'd rather not discuss it every damn day or worry every damn day about these matters. does everything have to be serious? can't there just be a small thing bothering me I can discuss?

I was expecting this entry to perhaps cause an uproar of sorts, but not for these reasons at all. I thought maybe I'd be told to chill out or to not worry about other people or mind games and everything is okay. I guess not. we have to bring up irrelevant matters.

Okay, moving on...

Beth - I don't know where you get the info that I'm only nice to those I can benefit from in some way (note: I'm not mad - just am curious how you came to this conclusion). I think I'm nice to those in forums and online all the same - do I expect them to give me gifts? do I expect them to be my new boyfriend? do I expect cards in the mail or confetti thrown cause I'm nice to them? no, not really. I do it cause it's the right thing to do and what reason do I have to be mean to them? I only am mean to those who deserve it; not those who refuse to give me something. I never ask anything from anybody unless I'm having a bad day and I might whine that I don't get a comment on an entry; it's nothing bigtime or selfish since lots of people have closed their sites down due to lack of feedback. anyway, I'm secure enough right now.

Also, one more thing, the money is mine to spend; grandpa gives the checks willingly. lindsey gets one, too. is it wrong for her to spend that money as well? anyway, I didn't spend any money. I was just in a bad mood last night. doing better as of now. I'd like to not discuss this issue further though I am curious who you are mystery first commenter W and why you felt compelled to say what you did.

- 03.26.2002 09:14 PM - Amber

---------

yes i would like to know who whataburger is as it sounds just like something i would say but i didn't post it i swear! i was talking to beth on the phone and she said she had commented on your post. whats really strange is that i just got home from work and ate some whataburger before posting this. coincedence from hell. anyway we've had this discussion once too many times and you know how i feel about your "situation". i don't have to remind you or the rest of your followers about your problems and what you've posted to date. so in light of all this go out and join the real world so you won't be so occupied with yourself. maybe you'll get pissed off enough with all the things i say and prove us all wrong in the end. i really hope so. i really do.

- 03.27.2002 03:47 AM - will

---------

Heh heh ...I was thinking it sounded like something you'd say, too, but I surveyed your posts on here and the punctuation/grammar/structure of paragraphs seemed different than yours, sooo I wasn't going to accuse you unless you're sooo sneaky you change your form of speech, but I figured it didn't sound like something you'd do. I thought the last poster was richard, but he said he wasn't there most of that day and wondered who posted it (unless he's lying, but I try not to accuse unless it's realllly outrageous), so I have *no* idea who W is ...I'm rather worried at best.

As for all of this; I'm not really pissed off. that isn't the exact point. I just think it's rather offtopic to this entry in general. I do admit, when I first got up in sort've a cranky mood and saw that post, I was abit frustrated/upset, but refrained from responding till I was levelheaded since I didn't want to spark something that would get out of hand. I mean, I just don't think someone who reads my journal, but doesn't know me or hung out with me in real life has the right to speak up. I figure if it's not you or richard, they're in the wrong for getting in on this subject without at least saying "they didn't mean to offend" or "this is just my opinion" and even then, it's abit out of line the way it is written. even mom found it ridiculous (as I said, she laughed and I knocked on wood - for real, I did...bwah!)

- 03.27.2002 04:43 AM - Amber

---------

Hello again! As for where I get my info... hmmnnn... let's see, you have this damn site where anyone and everyone can read about your problems, and your rants, and so on. Plus, Will tells me things you tell him, not every minute detail of course, but I can get the hint. I know you don't like me, but whatever. Look, it isn't your money, because you didn't work to get it. It was GIVEN to you. You'll never be able to earn a penny in the real world, and your mom, needs to get some help for herself, and you, that is if she trully loves you. You say your mom is young, and isn't going to die anytime soon, but car accidents happen, and my father was killed when he was 43. He wasn't old at all, but he still DIED! It can happen to you, and I know you're not going to go live with your dad. You can't take it! You won't live with your grandparents, your too much of a spoiled brat. You'll either grow up soon, and learn to take care of yourself, if the inevitable happens, or you'll end up on the streets, or in the care of the state, to be molested by the same people who care for you, because they know no one will listen to your insesent unbearable ramblings. IT HAPPENS, trust me. Anything can happen. Stop letting yourself be comfortable. Grow the FUCK up, and at least go to school. Become a damn secratary! Do something! God!

- 03.27.2002 12:15 PM - Beth

---------

Such ridiculousness. ya know? I 'know' that most people who have a site will get harassed for whatever they do, but listen, I could take care of myself if I 'had' to do it. I don't tell everything to everyone sorry to say. the most mundane details or entertainment-wise rants go onto this page.

You and anyone else can think what you want, but no one will ever know what I'm capable of, but myself. I don't have to do anything cause someone told me to and I don't do things cause someone tells me to...in fact, I was the one who said I wanted to get my haircut. if someone was to force me, I wouldn't do it and maybe I'm stubborn, but I think it's my right to choose what I want to do and when I want to do it.

In high school, I was harassed by my best friend's new friends precisely for doing the opposite of what y'all are asking; you're saying that I should do something so people will stop saying such things, eh? be a follower of some sort; do stuff to stop the harassment, eh? there are people who are more lazy and less capable than me I assure you. maybe you should pick on them. the anxiety prob is NOT just an excuse to be lazy. I'm trying not to get pissed off here, but you're making it very hard for me to do so and who cares, right? y'all will just say you had a private conversation about ME and decided for yourselves what I can do and y'all peer in my windows at night (okay, ya know I'm just being silly, but still; the thought that y'all discuss me on the phone creeps me out abit; I mean I can see a comment here and there since I talk about my friends, but a whole conversation?). hmm. anyway, as I was sayin', I'm very sensitive to such comments cause nothing is good enough for anyone, ya know (I can be the follower like in high school or do what I like now and I still get told off for it; I never tell anyone off for anything - I've never in my life felt the need to go make negative comments in someone's journal ever...I don't see the point)? that's why I've chosen to ignore what people have to say unless they say it in a civil manner and talk TO me and not AT me. thank you.

Furthermore, I hate the 'what if' game. Beth I'm sorry that your dad was killed. I know accidents happen. I'd just not like to think about it when everything is fine as of now. I don't want to wait for an accident to happen around the corner. I spend enough time worrying cause of the chemicals in my head that make me and I don't need to worry anymore than I have to cause it's silly to worry over things that haven't happened yet. it's like worrying that everytime I cross the street, I may be run over by a car.

Anyway, I said I was through with this. y'all think what you want. this site will become more entertainment and less about me and I'll just make private 'friends only' entries at my lj to talk since at least there I won't have to feel bad later about what I said when I was upset. my goal is to be optimistic today, so that's what I shall do. I'm not crying and I don't care (just to reiterate; I meant, I don't care to argue anymore; not that I don't care about myself).

- 03.27.2002 03:14 PM - Amber

---------

So did everyone know that secratary is spelled s-e-c-r-e-t-a-r-y? Why did I bring this up? Do I even care that someone made a typo? No, it's petty. And "petty" is exactly what this entire string of posts is. No one here (to my knowledge that is) knows what it's like to have a best friend who does everything with you and goes everywhere with you and for them to suddenly not be able to leave the house. No one here has lived with Amber. She can take care of herself when she needs to. But she is still living at home with her mom, so why wouldn't she have her mom take care of things for her? I admit that every time I'm home from college I have my mom do my laundry and cook me meals. Yet I do these things for myself when I'm at college. Everyone takes advantage of their parents when they're living with them whether they are capable of doing things on their own or not. As for the money? Well, fuck! I get the same amount of money from my grandfather as Amber does. And I get money from my parents... and I still work every summer. And I frivolously spend all my money on CDs, toys, clothes, gas, and food. Now my parents are not the most well off people, and I'm sure my car expenses alone have set them back a bit, but I don't contribute my money towards their bills. They are still the adults/parents and have real jobs plus the job of taking care of me until I can support myself. That's how I intend to treat my children. And once I'm financially independent I fully intend to help my parents out. I have every belief that Amber would do the same. But let's face it. She's not much older than me. You can't expect her to support her family just yet. That's her mom's concern. I know Amber's not an invalid, but she does have a medical problem from which she needs to recover before she can join the working world. And not everything has to be about her anxiety. She's allowed to have some measure of happiness despite her condition, so let her ignore it as often as she wants. I know she wants to get out and go places. She does make attempts. If you people supposedly care so goddamn much then why not take her for a drive around the block next time you visit? Or through a drive-through or to Barnes & Noble? She's not gonna just wake up one morning and be cured. She needs to slowly adjust to doing things again. And yes, her mom could die at anytime. That's entirely possibly. Hell, I fear what would happen to me if my mom died and I still have my dad and grandparents and other relatives. If something like that happened, Amber would live with me or our grandparents or her father. She would not be left on the street somewhere. Beth, you're an idiot. I know Amber does need to grow up a little and face the issues her peers do, but that doesn't give you the right to act like you're so superior. And while we're at it, this supposed animosity between you and Amber? well could this possibly have anything to do with Will? Given what I've heard about this love triangle, I'd say either Amber feels awkward talking to you and there's really no harm intended, you're just imagining her rudeness because you dislike her for talking to Will, or she senses your dislike and reacts accordingly. Which one or combination do you think is the truth? So let's all give Amber a break for a while. And let her family business stay in the family.

- 03.27.2002 08:03 PM - Lindsey

---------

Deary, we talk about you in passing, but your life doesn't have enough substance for a whole conversation. Trust me.

- 03.27.2002 09:38 PM - Beth

---------

337- R001Z

- 03.29.2002 07:57 PM - zdf.ldf

---------

All Writing/Images Copyright 2000-01 Amber.
sardonic-hee enterprises