In about a month, I haven't been terribly upset. I mean, little bouts of crying or maybe a kick at the computer when it's not working, but not all out flailing of the hands, wanting to rip heads off. maybe that's the reason for my quietness.

Becoming Quite Irate - Watch Out!
11:53 PM CST

Something I'd rather not get into is how I feel my readership is dying cause of the lack o' feedback. no email. no comments. it's like I'm losing my drive to write. I know, I know, people read - I check my stats - and I still have more than enough info to write about. I just don't feel the need to write as much. I wish I could explain the blahness. maybe it's that glow I get hearing from readers and/or seeing that there's one person who I *know* has read my words cause they thought to comment. I think to comment on others material only when it's important. I do know I don't all the time since not all info needs a comment. maybe I feel what I write isn't worth the effort and therefore there isn't this need to write long entries.

Maybe I'm just whining. it has been forever since I've fallen off the roof and I'm cranky as all hell. just now realising it actually.


Since there hasn't been an entry since Saturday, I don't even know where to start. there has been things that have went on sort've. I just don't know. that's another thing. the whole 'friends read this' aspect has kept me from wanting to go into detail about any of my feelings or thoughts on anything. not to say they all get upset and want mention of them to be taken off the site. I'm just sayin''s more difficult to write quality writing when I feel all eyes are on me and what I have to say. this is seeming confusing after my whole 'I've lost my readership' rant, but mostly I meant those who I don't converse with on a normal basis since friends do comment on my entries occasionally one on one.

I guess I can mention the porn on cinemax though it's sort've old news now. it was fun to make fun of at the time. I mean, seriously, yo. the 'in the heat of passion' *O* face ...that's a classic one. and they always bob up and down and make slight moans and stick their finger to their tongues. erm, okay. I don't know if I'd like that type of hokiness goin' on in my own fantasy. in fact, it's silly. maybe I'm just unfeeling though since these *actions* do not turn me on. they make me lauuugh. especially the boob rubbin' move ...erm, the only reason I'd see to justify this would be for a mammogram (self examination; that's the term right?). again, maybe it's cause I just do not get it.

Mom and the guest figured that (yes, we talked about it ..shuddup) it's cause women with big breasts don't know what else to do with them since they're always there ...might as well rub them...yeaaah. get these things away from me!

After the porn - well, I never found out if the wife had an affair and left her husband cause when me, mom and the guest were downstairs on the couch talking and having tea, the thing ended! gaaah! just not enough time! - they ended up watching Eyes Wide Shut which came on after it and I watched something called something or other. it was porn-y, too. I'm not sure I liked it. kinky pictures and talk of anal sex. wtf? some geeky lady with big glasses and messed up hair filled with barrettes interviewed people on the streets. if that lady came up to me, I'd ruuuun.


In other news, I almost met richard sunday night/monday morning. I wasn't going to talk about it, figuring maybe we'd eventually get to meet and I could link the two situations together in one entry where I say "yeaaah, remember the time...?" then I realised I could still link the two and discuss it now, so there is background on the situation. I doubt most know the story and well, since I'm too out in the open now, maybe it's not a good idea to delve deeper into the past. I'll keep it short and sketchy.

It was a long night. tons of pacing back and forth from stairs, to powder room, to couch, to window, to chair, to both doors. stare out at the streetlights glowing upon the pavement. whenever it would light up a certain way, I was sure it was richard and I'd worry my hair got messed up in the meantime. more pacing. pacing pacing pacing. I was abit nervous. nervous cause we had never met. almost three years (I'd have to go back in my journals to find the exact day we started talking if I even mentioned it since I was so casual about online goings on in those days. I don't know what my deal was. observations of people and surroundings and not the net? eh. anyway, it might've been March 24th. that's when I discussed Matchmaker.). no meeting yet. reason for the nervousness cause I wasn't exactly as up to par as other days really. better than certain days, but not better overall if that makes sense.

Around 2:24am, I got abit restless and went upstairs again to check out the window seeing as I have a better view of the office building across the street, the roads/sidewalks/pool area, our backporch area, and the neighbours deck (not that the last bit means anything; I doubt richard would find himself in someone else's back deck area). it seemed extra glowy outside that night. I don't know what it was. mysterious-like. perhaps it was cause I turned off all the lights upstairs. that might've been it.

I found myself back downstairs later bouncing on the couch abit and tapping my fingers together in anticipation. my hair was losing its bounce and I decided to take it down immediately while in the powder room again. it formed a slight curl and I was sort've happy with it. it was fluffy and soft and I figured, what a great thing to happen! no freaky hairdo! then I paced somemore. sat on the stairs and put my head against the bannister shutting my eyes. I kept them closed for at least 5 minutes. in that time limit, I swear I heard leaves crackling and footsteps and whipped my head around in some 'wha??' reaction. head back down against bannister. no one was there. over and over again. I ended up sitting there for twenty minutes. went back upstairs at 3:18am and said he must've been kidnapped. hah. I was disappointed nonetheless.

Closer to 4am, I realised what had happened. he circled the complex and seemed to observe close enough to describe his surroundings since indeed mom can attest to the fact that there is a smashed up looking car outside and the street thing. I'm just unaware since whenever I do step out, I don't go directly out...just outside on the doorstep. I'm bad at directing people when I'm not aware like that. anyhow, he passed the house three times without my knowledge. I must've indeed been on the stairs at the time or pacing or elsewhere. next time there should be better planning or since he knows the house number, there shouldn't be a problem. I recall that night being abit forlorn though. like being stoodup. it was no one's fault. that is zee goshdarn truth!


One more disappointment. I thought my blemishes were going away, but now they're back in abundance in the course of two days. I had some cake and hershey's kisses recently, so I'm figuring it might be the chocolate or it is indeed hormonal cause of being horribly late. I do know that right now I have the deep urge to cry for no apparent reason. it comes and goes. just the mental picture of the blemishes that formed on my hairline and forehead (the other week I said "at least there aren't any on my forehead!" to someone) make me utterly depressed. this isn't good for getting rid of them though. I just keep wanting to pick at them to get rid of them cause I'm impatient. I refuse to want them to stay for even one more moment. this may seem vain, but it seems my looks are all I feel I have that is worth me being around. cuteness. without the cuteness what am I? hah. I'm sounding utterly stupid. maybe it's hormonal again. I can blame everything on that. it's one advantage to being a girl. not that I'm not ashamed of that realisation.


Last night, I redid richard's mix cd seeing as Carissa's "Weird" is Carissa's Wierd. I never ever noticed and I had been to the official label's site. also, when looking on google for some info about the name, I found the bumbershoot website. that's where SquishyCon 2002 might be held. if they play there, I'd really want to go. plus, I want their albums! gaaah. I don't know if it's worth the money and if I could handle that after not being on a plane since 1999. who knows. there is time since it's not till labour day weekend and also, Seattle hasn't been officially picked. just suggested. doesn't mean I couldn't go if I wanted to by myself, but do I look like the sort to do that? not really.


When I get like this, I want new pants.

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uhhh.. irate about what?

- 02.21.2002 12:12 AM - jess


oh, just hormones. sorry, I edited the thing now :)

- 02.21.2002 12:38 AM - Amber


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