Sometimes words don't come so easily. I feel like I repeat the same grouping of words in various different combinations till I run out and am lost. I sit dumbfounded. like I wasted tons of space to just say basically the same things. I really hate when I think like that.

Escapism
10:08 PM CST

Dreams are coming back to me lately due to my habit of sleeping reallly late into the afternoon yet again. the dream I had on Thursday was disturbing as hell though; I cried within the dream, but not upon waking up since it was one of those complex dreams. the horrible part happened in the middle and by the end I guess I got over it; all tears distinguished within. it's odd to cry in a dream though. dad was there. it was the same nightmare I've had a couple of times. it really frightens me; like he'll try this again sometime though in reality he hasn't in forever.

He went for my neck to tickle and I scrunched up so as not to let him ...I pleaded with him as he tried to dig his fingers between where my cheek and shoulder met. he practically growled in a menacing way and gave stuttering laughs and then he breathed upon my other cheek and hisssed. I swear, he hissed! this was worse than I had thought. I loosened up from the shock as he tried to choke me. I somehow escaped though and went to the other side of where I was staying to where my roomate (I don't have one, but in the dream I did) was and clung to the bed. she said we should go somewhere far away.

We ended up at this fair ground in the middle of nowhere and I stood on the sidewalk afraid dad would find me again and kill me. I was afraid I'd be trapped in nothingness forever to live on this dirt path where I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be there either. somehow I knew none of this was real, but I was scared.


The next dream was today; I was at the mall. it looked like most of my dream malls. I bought cookies, I walked around and blahdeblah. there was this housing complex type area nearby and I ran into this guy who stumbled out of his townhome. we laid on some blanket on the grass looking straight up at the sun. he kissed me on the forehead and I didn't know what to think. I suddenly realised I didn't like him much yet I wanted a kiss anyway, so I just didn't move. then I awoke.


---

The guest decided to come this afternoon instead of yesterday. I'm usually wrong on when he's arriving lately. that ain't cool. I like being right. he brought hershey kisses in paper roses. that was a rather cool idea actually. mom didn't know they were within the paper until she lifted one and realised it was abit top heavy. heh. I sort've like hershey kisses. just not the ones with the almonds in 'em though I ate the whole bag of those that one week prior to this one - only cause there wasn't any other chocolate to eat. I dunno when I'll swear off chocolate again. I ended up getting my Godiva Thursday night and I haven't stopped since. I'm trying not to eat more hershey kisses now with the logic that I don't want to ruin anymore paper roses.

Mom's birthday present came in the mail today as well. that was a relief. I thought maybe I didn't place the order correctly or it was out of stock. I was getting very disappointed till it arrived. it's niiiicer in person even! asian-like style with aum symbols yoga tank top from yogazone. I waaaant one now, too! maybe in blue.

She decided to wear it to Rent instead of the black top she had on; it seemed nice though she kept complaining that it might not go right with the jeans. eh. I'm not much into caring if what I'm wearing is trendy or not - I mean, I once wore some ugly ass top with monkey shorts (though this is just not normal). mom lauuuughed at me that day. I never wore it again, but that isn't the point!

The guest kept sayin' how tall I seemed since all I needed to do was go on tippy toes to reach the two balloons that had risen to the ceiling and were bopping against the vent. the strings were long enough to reach, yo. the first time I reached for them, I had to give a small jump though - I realised jumping is fun. I had forgotten since I hadn't taken to that activity in awhile - me and lindsey used to bounce on the guest bed at grandma's house and I think we ended up stopping after the wheel fell off one of the legs...bwah! it was all lopsided!

Mom said that wearing string bikini-like underwear under jeans and having them show abit is the new style cause she saw it on some show. I showed my disgust at the mental image. almost as bad as wearing a thong and letting abit of it show. feh. all of that just seems bad. I mean, showing bra straps is enough!! anyhow, this got me to jokingly asking the guest if he was wearing his thong today. he replied with "no. actually I don't wear underwear" ack!!! that gave me an even worse mental picture :O I'm so sorry I even asked. hee! even mom feigned shock as they went downstairs. he was wearing a Rent shirt. they seemed all decked out. I hope it was good. I would've liked to go. too bad.


---

My amusement for today was reading old journal entries out of the paper journals on my shelf. I realised that on 3-29-99, richard wanted to hug me, but said he couldn't cause he was picking lint off his pants. wtf? I wrote the strangest things in those journals. well, the things not discussing school. I discussed school an awful lot. at least now I have the extent of my schooling recorded. woo.

I caiiin't wait till next week is over cause then the Olympics will be over I think. I'm dying for some regular programming to show on NBC. I guess the figure skating and skiing/snowboarding was okay to watch, but not all night. I dunno. bah. I always seem like an odd person when I don't seem excited about certain events such as that.

I've had my winamp playlist on random for most of the week due to the thought that I could have a radio station for others to hear. that didn't work out seeing as AOL seems to hate the idea. at least this makes things more surprising for me without me having to decide which grouping of songs I should play next.

Sometimes even the smallest ounce of surprise is enough to get me going.

Edited to add: this entry was fuuuullll of errors until I corrected them just now. ugh. I'm so embarassed!

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