When each moment after tea and snack and mom is dead asleep - lights turned off and door shut - all I can think about is seeking out more things to buy, I know there is a definite problem.
The Signs of Trouble
11:40 PM CST
Shopaholic. there should be a support group for this - hell, there probably is and the poor weeping women come in holding bags and bags from Macy's or something in shaaaaame. I didn't neeeed those crossthreaded comforters! I didn't neeeeed those pants or that skirt or that makeup! sing it sisstaaaaah! siiiiing it! *weeps*
Signs that you should hide your credit card:
you think about new things you must buy day and night
you go to the mall every weekend; hell, everyday if you can help it (I used to do this; I'd buy like 5cds each day - just at random - one summer)
you spend up to $500 in 10min with no problem - and NOT on one item
you have to sell stuff on eBay, so the person who you borrowed the credit card from, doesn't notice the lower balance
you have a wishlist you add stuff to 24/7 cause you keep remembering new things or they recommend stuff you want and you decide you need that as well
you buy stuff that you *might* use in the next month or two, but MUST buy it right then cause the sale will end if ya don't (of course, there are always other sales later and with lower prices, but then the need will be gone and ya cannot have that!)
you justify your purchase by buying *one* thing for someone else as a gift and ignore the fact that you spent double that amount on yourself you bastard!!
you are in debt for three months and are down to reading the tv guide all cause you *had* to have a second domain and even considered a third; what the hell's your problem?!?
you become a part of amazon's affiliate program, so if someone buys something through your link, you'll get some money - not that it works, but it's another justification
you put a paypal button at the bottom of each page - SEND ME MONEY TO SUPPORT MY CRAZY SHOPPING HABIT!! (not that I've done this .....yet)
sell your journal archives cause your life deserves to be a book ....send all money to my paypal account!! (I haven't done this yet either, but seems ridiculous)
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At least I didn't end up pressing checkout on that $236 jcrew order last night cause I almost did it. the computer crashed when I waved the mouse over it. is that tryin' to tell me something?? I should NOT be spending that much money at once!! I mean, yes, I won't get in complete utter trouble cause what would happen? shut up in my room? pleaaase. that would be stupid. I punish myself enough on a daily basis. I think it's the whole idea of living in a box underneath a bridge that seems unsavoury...just unsatisfying. I must curb my habit at the streetcorner. this is almost as bad as drugs, yo. even (some) drugs are probably cheaper.
I did get my cafepress order this afternoon. as soon as I shower and look all pretty-like, I'll show off the shirts. I'm about to wash my cup out, so I can have tea actually. see?
pictures edited in
Mom got me more disks and some bonne bell lip smackers at Target today - somehow I feel abit bad for making out that list since she doesn't know about my recent purchases. her buying those personal items with her money made me feel guilty even if I did buy her gift last night as well. I'm just going to keep quiet and hope she doesn't look at the credit card balance again till next week or something. gaaaah. I should just learn not to go to online shops or learn some self control. I used to have some. in fact, the year before last, I couldn't even think of anything I wanted for xmas or my bday. what the hell is that about? how did I go from wanting nothing to wanting everything?
I have a feeling that the happiness brought on by being newly in this house might've been it if it is indeed the depression that is causing the shopping spree that is happening now. -or the fact that I get recommendations ALOT more than back then. whatever it is, it must stop since shopping doesn't stop the depression or make things better after the initial getting of the package and ripping it open like I'm loved. I should know I *am* wanted somehow; nothing that bad has happened. I think it's just the time of year; the way I feel inside around this time. cold (not counting last week when it was in the 80's, yo!) as outside. reason half my wishlist is "mope rock". that's another thing, I had the urge to buy more once I listened to clips with my newly downloaded real audio player. must. stop.
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Dad came over on Thursday. I didn't even hear him come in; it's like he just magically appeared in the living room spouting off about some such thing. I have no idea cause all I noticed was his hair - what the fuck was that?? it was like a bush on the back of his head - like he hasn't cut it in forever. is he that busy at work that he can't stop for a haircut? it just seemed icky. he also was wearing his exxon jumpsuit...loooovely. mom told me that he's been klutzy lately at work and at home. he tripped over his guitar on his bed in the night and sprained his big toe; he slipped on some oil at work (I dunno) and something else that caused an open cut on his face that bleeds in the shower. it seems awful is what it seems. good thing I didn't notice any of those injuries. just his hair. he seemed cheerful enough too unless it was an act.
I only came downstairs to chat for awhile and only about certain shows playing in Houston. I don't know why, but I was giddy - like I'd actually go to a show. I think too much; the idea sounds nice and the music is good, but then I think of people and dark places and sweat and grime and drinking and change my mind. blech. if only I kept my idealistic thoughts and then I could no longer change my mind. it's still an option if I suddenly change all concept of reason in the meantime. I'm not even going to think though since whenever I do say something, it obviously sounds like I'm planning which I'm not. right now, I'm just connecting thought processes until I figure something out.
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Ya know what has made me cry the most in the past week?
the fact that all my feelings and all my actions are fake. they lead nowhere. I lead nowhere. I'm a false fake person. I may feel like I feel more than anyone and I may write like I do at times, but honestly, when I realllly think about it, all I feel is dead. all I've done has been done before. others notice it too and knowing others notice it makes me feel more dead and more helpless - realising everyone knew. maybe that's why I lost certain friends. maybe it wasn't my anxiety at all, but the fact that I'm not full of life in general. or I'm just crazy and everyone loves me. either way I should stop. for reference, I'm not going to shop tonight. I'm going to get tea.
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