Isn't it terribly disconcerting when what you want to say is what you can't say or don't feel it's your right to bring up? I've been feeling this sensation that I must censor myself further going on the fact that someone might read into it or think I'm terribly childish for thinking it or I'll get shot down. this doesn't have to do with anything said in the past day or two, so don't get your panties all up in a bunch...woo to underpants! [ya know I had to say it ;)]

The Things You Don't Say
09:15 PM CST

Anyhow, I've just been thinking into things abit more. how what I say can effect people in certain ways depending on what I write here. that's why I try to be as mundane as possible or see if I can go a whole entry without mentioning so'n'so, so that I don't look desperate or obsessive. this makes me seem more obsessive in my mind though. the fact that I'm trying my damndest to protect how I'm percieved to be, but yet I still fail in my own mind, seems daunting.

This has been ruminating about for awhile. I've even taken to asking if I can mention certain things; maybe it has to do with the times that Jorge told me he didn't want to be the center of my journal and to write about other things and then I thought, Well, what if all I did that day involved him ...then what? would it be okay? or what if there was a dream? would I be banished if I overdraw my limit of mentions? I mean, will I seem obsessive? is this monologue seeming obsessive itself? oh lord.

It isn't just him that I'm protecting my thoughts from though. I've actually done ALOT of censoring in the past. moreso than now. I'd even take to erasing thoughts about someone if I accidently mentioned my journal to that person and they asked for the url. I'd say hold on and erase as fast as I could and then hand over the address. it's all quite silly, but I can't have them thinking they can access my brain; access all I think about. if they were already reading before, I wouldn't have even mentioned them in the first place unless it was mundane like a mention about them pertaining to me in a jovial manner. nothing serious. certainly no mention of if I like someone and if I do, I'm about to tell them anyway that I like them. it just serves no purpose to be rejected after they read an entry and then having to write yet another entry of how they rejected me and why I suck. it's best to make it look like I have no interest at all and then write about how I captured their attention in an entry instead. this is making me seem waaay too crafty than I really am.

All of this isn't a subtle way of saying I'm never going to write about anything of interest ever again. I'm just afraid to get too serious for awhile. it might help to lay off of it as much as I possibly can. the depressing entries just make me feel a sense of dread after finishing them. as for the last entry inparticular; I didn't feel so much from that since I thought I was making it seem like I came out of my funk which I just about did; the crying was over at least. maybe begging others to pay more attention to me or else I wouldn't gain any progress (and not that I would even if they did), seemed really trite and stupid though; I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that little offhand things that make me feel good would be better than laying in a monologue of hate in my direction or saying there was a loss of interest over my handicap of sorts. nothing personal; no demanding of anything that cannot be done. some have done it already and I can say that since last year, I feel abit more sturdy. I've gained three extra pounds since even last month and looking healthier which can put me on the way to trying to overcome my mental problem. the physical problem has to be dealt with first. see? it isn't anything personal. I just need time in general to build myself up and it's just taking longer than I calculated from when I began.


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*drags self out of the jumble of confusing text*
Accomplished yesterday was the putting of the kitty sheets on my bed! it's so cute! I thought I'd never get that blanket to stay in the kitty comforter/duvet thing (see, it's one of those kinds with the ties at the end where you must put another blanket within it for padding and then tie the knots - I guess like a cover of sorts) though. I kept having to jump from either which side and even put down a "weight" (this blanket I keep at the end of my bed for whenever I'm cold and watching a movie or something) when I'd accomplish connecting the point corners, so I could do the same on the other side. it was quite a workout for me (that makes me seem pathetic, but y'all don't know! that's like a two person job done by one person damnit!). I even felt the need to get the blanket further up on top so it wouldn't bunch up, so therefore, I had to crawl inside the thing, mussing up my hair in the process, to connect the points of the blanket to the cover almost suffocating myself in the process. mom found that all too amusing; that I'd hurt mahself and it didn't matter! I swear, hilarious! I told her to help me at one point, but she said she was tired and I shouldn't have started on it if I couldn't handle it. I ended up handling it just fiiiine and it's perfect now, so shuddup.


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I felt ill the day before last. so bad, that I was shaking, clammy palmed and feverish on top of being sleepy. also my stomach was abit upset, but not in the traditional nauseous sense. I took twelve (COUNT EM!), tweeelve vitamin c drops that night. it was scary when I looked in the trash and saw all the wrappers I tossed out. I was insane. probably delirious. it's a good thing that Thursday I didn't have to write a word. I think I did in the forum though; I might've made some sense before I got sleepy and left.

Today was supposed to be anime watching day, but I woke up at 4pm, so I might just be able to catch one of them before SNL (if it's even new; maybe it doesn't matter if I miss some of it anyway) begins. I figure I should space it out more since I spent enough money on them, so I think it all works out in the end. funny that I woke up so late though; I watched three shows starting around 10:30am and then fell back asleep not to wake up again till 3:57pm. I thought I was imagining the numbers (I've done that before in fact; once I thought it said 2pm and started to jump out of bed and then I'd adjust my sight and it would say noon. I've also done it the other way around. all quite decieving and rude of my eyes!!).

Now, I go off in search of some blankets cause mom said my feet were like blocks of ice or like I stepped out barefoot in the snow (which is nonexistant, by the way). some Utena will set my mind at ease.

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