Humming tunes, staying up till 7am with headphones on, almost falling asleep as the sun rises. music seems to block out all else that is wrong with me or that I think is wrong. I wasn't even that mad that my late nights/mornings have completely screwed up my soap opera watching time. I seem to be more adjusted.

I've Been Downhearted, Baby
09:00 PM CST

One thing that made me extremely happy - I mean, I smiled and gave a slight guffaw over it - mom forgot to tell me that yesterday when grandma called she mentioning LOVING what I got her for xmas. I got her a Days (zee best soap opera on earth; don't you forget!) mug that came with a donut recipe. anyhow, apparently the day before she got our package, she was considering replacing her old mug - she was freaked out cause the thing was secreting black ooze when she'd take it out of the dishwasher; it apparently wouldn't do this if she handwashed it, but it had cracks all over it and was about to diiie anyhow - actually tossed it out that day wondering where she'd get a new one. I'm her saviour!! she uses it allll the time :) to think I have really good timing like that, yo!
plus, she also said she read the donut recipe and found out they're baked not fried, so she may try it. mom got a good laugh over that one; that she actually read the thing.

Also somehow sayin' mom looked like a gargoyle in the shadows made me laugh, too but I won't get into that one. I'm so evil.


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Today was spent not doing much. I considered starting my valentine's cards for the squishettes v-day card exchange, but decided against it ...abit early still. of course, the way I procrastinate, it's best to be early than waaay late. they'll be getting v-day cards on St. Patty's Day if I'm not careful!

I did seem to exert myself just abit earlier this evening and snagged the skin on my thumb leaving a nice red mark cause I wanted to put away my anime purchases I got today (the order I made that cost $270 ...yeah that one) plus clear off the desk since it was seriously getting messy. in the process of all of this, I reorganised my bookshelf and the dvd shelf which brought me much satisfaction. I'm a neat freak and like everything to be in their right place. it completely irks me to see chaos. now, the desk can actually breathe. all that's on it is a lightbulb; mom's payments from eBay, the valentines card box, and the cd case from the cd I made the other day (cd coverart I made last night; I might link it sometime soon on the music page).

Otherwise, I didn't do much but watch cartoons and pick at my blemishes which is just not a good idea; I mentioned that in my introspection though it's not much introspective as common sense, yo. it's not nice to have blood all over and under your nails and ...I won't go on. really, my face doesn't look half bad unless I pull my hair back from the left side ...it's just a small irritation. my eyebrows sort've are red too though cause I sat there smoothing them out for awhile in the bathroom. wtf? I don't know. I got bored I guess and couldn't help myself. I do stupid things sometimes.


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Y'all are probably wondering about the whole 'smiling for the first time' bit since I've been tryin' not to be too sad ass in these entries. I used to do that waaay too often in the past. really, I'm okay, but feeling that slight depressive atmosphere sneaking back in underneath the apathy. it happens from time to time. sometimes it's outed as just hormones and sometimes just brain chemicals in general cause I've always thought I was clinically depressed. eh.

The thing that really triggered it was when the black boxes reappeared the other night while restarting and I fell into a puddle of sobbing - I mean, I was literally cryyying so hard, I curled up and just put the kleenex up to my face and left it there. I did this off and on for like half an hour. it did feel good to get all of it out right then since I've been abit frustrated over other situations for awhile now.

Health, vanity, boys, life. yeah, that's basically everything.

My main concern is to not look so awful (on the outside) and somehow become more appealing to be around for an extended amount of time. what a concept there! each time I think I have my shit together, it goes awry. of course, it's mostly me. I always want time time time. I don't want to do things right now. I want to do them like five years from now which when it is now it'll be like another five. reason I'm not in college as well...taking a year off is something most shouldn't do and probably isn't doable anyhow as I pointed out. okay, I'm going offcourse though - the point is that I like doing certain things, but only if they benefit me. really, if I'm not having fun, feel ill, am uncomfortable, I will just show it with spite and gritting of teeth.

I don't particularly want to talk about this subject, but just felt I had to explain what I was getting at with the depression. in simpleton speak, I may get invited to do things, want to keep being asked to do things and get the attention, but don't really want to do the things I'm invited to do. since people get sick of asking over and over again and being turned down, they idely walk away and leave me to my non-attention getting corner where I shall mope and think about all I'm missing out on. yep, that's it. I cannot really go about solving this problem quickly, but somehow I want to still be seen as interesting and wanted. yes, that's all I want and possibly it'll get me out of the funk maybe sometime. I won't say soon since it never is soon and probably I'll never work that way, but at least it'll help in the mood dept. which I seriously am in need of keeping up. the grandma story helped (read above), so yes, smiles=good. depression=bad.


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All this thinking has made me want to take a break. got the mix cd on; Primitive Radio Gods is playing ...tap dances off through mental puddles.

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2 Followers:

you know all this self analyzation isn't any good if you don't act on it one of these days....for fuck's sake...nevermind...

- 01.26.2002 10:33 AM - will

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geez this is what I was talkin' about on NOT helping - and as for discussing it here, I didn't want to, but felt I had to explain the depression thing and went off on a tangent; 'scuse me, but I don't edit except for typos. it's called improv. mom rants and rants about this and that and doesn't mean she starts in on doing what she's sayin'

it's called a journal; not a goal abiding timeline of what I'm going to get started on sometime in the future. I'm allowed to rant and not have it turn into "well, what happened to getting started on improvement, eh?"

...sorry I just woke up and am not in the mood to discuss this entry further. maybe I misread the tone, but I don't think I did.

/ot
as for where I was last night when you messaged me; I was taking a shower and bedtime activities...I came back around 4:16, but you were already gone
/ot

- 01.26.2002 04:15 PM - Amber

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