Hmm, lately I've had a ton of ideas for short story openers. it never gets past the second tangent before I've scrapped it - I haven't even attempted to write any of the thoughts down. I guess I just don't hold much promise for them since I figure they're already in some book somewhere that I haven't read yet or they're waaay too trivial to be in one in the first place.

All Those I've Liked Before
03:24 PM CST

The past couple days, I've downloaded more songs by The Anniversary - I've noticed they're abit like The Get Up Kids, but with guy/girl vocals instead and abit of a discotheque vibe (discotheque emo!!! the new craze, y0!). anyhow, so far, I still like the song on the mix cd best though 'the d in detroit' is rather catchy as is 'hold me tonight' ....the latter is abit cheesy at the beginning I admit - sounds like a ballad which turns into hardcore then back to ballad.

Speaking of music, I'm giving The Smiths another chance. I randomly downloaded 'asleep' way back when on Napster and was bored to death by it, therefore never listening to their music again. again, with mighty tim's lovely mix cd, I've decided to give them another chance. 'there is a light that never goes out' is very catchy - I keep randomly sayin' "take me ouuuuut tooooniiiight, take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't caaaare" as I walk around, in my head, humming it, can't slap it out of my head. I'm still not sick of it.


Dreams everynight. yes, that's right. I've been having slight dreams everynight since last time. today's was rather interesting as was last nights:

Will and Beth were there, but in separate areas. me and Will were walking in a mall talking, but I knew where Beth was - she was playing some complex video game in a corner of a room which wasn't even near where we were - I could still see her like a split screen. anyway, I hear bits and pieces from me and Will's conversation; "what about our chance? what happened to that??" and he takes my hand. I stare at the ground and then mutter, "what about Beth?" like usual camera magic, we're back to her playin' the game. I'm over there now being friendly mcfriend. there is a roller coaster in the game and I'm trying to figure out the point. there is an instruction booklet a mile long. apparently you have to go through all these feats and gather up items along the way. I don't recall anything was too silly. the game was particularly a desired item cause it was hard to find. I smothered the box in my arms (it had a monster on the front with its tongue sticking out). soon enough, Beth said she was going home and wondered if I wanted to stop by - I considered. I had decided it was unfair to always do things at my home (I didn't know we were at my home till this scene), so we walked out through the living room where the lamp was on and out to the driveway near the garage. she had a truck and she turned the car on, lights flickering shadows across the closed garage doors and I opted to follow her and somehow pictured where she lived. that's when I blank out.

This morning - I have the rights to some warehouse next to this restaurant - the place is hidden by bushes near a walkway - just fields surround the walkway and surrounding areas. it seems abandoned besides the buzzing of the customers at the restaurant. I have one girl on my team who labels something wrong on the computer though. she puts ten names up, but I want ten titles of books instead. Richard is there in a corner trying to figure something out on his own. I come up behind him and lay my head on top of his - he asks what I'm doing back there and why I don't stand in front of him instead. I say, "back here I can do what I want and you can't tell me no" it was very odd. I sort've glomp him and breathe in his hair grinning. he continues on with his work though. soon enough a bitchy lady comes stumbling out of the restaurant and bossing around the crew of my warehouse!!! when I'm about to change the mistake that girl made, she rips the controls out of my hands and says, "the names stay!" soon, she stumbles out and onto the walkway, bush particles flying about her. she seemed drunk. too much wine? a picture of a grape hangs on the inside lobby of the restaurant.

I hated her.


I told the guest about the first dream when we were all lazed out on the bed ....he said Will's name should be won't from now on. bwah! sure, it doesn't make much sense with the dream, but I said he should write a book filled with wit since he cracks me up. he started in on his comedy tirade with the 'ruguest' joke. it had to do with 'rupaul' of course! I forget how it started, but mom says he should wear a wig and pumps for the weekend and he chortled out in a feminine voice, "heeey, I'm ruguest. you must call me rugest for the whole weekend...teehee" then they brought in the previous jokes of the evening about the girth and groin thing....he's all, "I'll come out in pumps, and a wig and show off my girth..." and then I chime in with, "and the groin! don't forget!"

The girth and groin thing were from the ball expedition - he was rolling around on the fitness ball and almost banged into the wall and the tv - silly! I just sat on the bed and laughed. mom told him not to be like Carlos with the ADD ...bwah! yeaaah, ruguest tried to sabotage the ball later on during the former conversation and I said, "oh no! it's the papershredder episode all over again!" he's like a little kid...sheeesh. always wanting to cause mischief. I admit, it's funnier than just sitting properly and having small talk like with possible other guests that might stop by your home. I'm talking the type who come for tea - not the type who come over to play video games.


Last night I spit up blood yet again (well, it has been awhile). I decided not to think much about it since whenever I do, I start thinking I'll go to bed and never wake up again though I always do even if I'm sore and cranky. I feel okay right now I could've been my sinuses. they were burning through my head. can sinuses cause bleeding in the throat? I don't know. all very icky. I'll choose to leave it alone till something severe happens. I can't let hypochondriatic tendencies get me down.


Still, I miss touching - I miss Jorge. there I said it! it's odd that I can show emotion in words, but I can't show I miss someone or care at all in person. I just sit there trying to feel and it never works, does it? back in high school, I had no trouble mustering up emotion and maybe that scared boys back then. I certainly didn't get anywhere with it besides writing silly stories. maybe stealing their candy.

Hmmm....then again, maybe emotion wasn't there cause I had nothing to miss at the time and now there is something to miss. it's certainly backassword-ly. usually 'I feel, I miss, then feeling goes away'. it's not 'no feeling, I miss, feeling comes to me'. ah well. all I'm sayin' is that I've felt rather off and realised that this might possibly be why. maybe it's too late to feel anything though. maybe I'm a screw up - emotions crack up cause they don't want me to feel. something different might happen if so.


I found a typo in my book - somehting - it was in the first paragraph of the short story with the gay couple. I'm not sure what to make of that story. I'm not homophobic, but the one guy is bliiind. how can you take advantage of a blind man? sure, the guy has no problem with it in the story, but it just seems squicky to me - especially the description of being in bed with a skinny naked man wearing glasses. great. I don't think this'll be my favourite short story by far. I liked Charades alot though and that one I quoted previously. I'm all about wit and games. not about blind men who have needs I guess.

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Re: spitting up blood...

It can be normal to have blood from your sinus cavities end up in your mouth, through that happy post-nasal drip. I suggest using either a saline mist, or just pouring salt water up your nose. Sounds gross, but it really helps to re-moisturize and get rid of all that crap clogging you up.

- 01.12.2002 04:05 PM - Piper


oooh thanks! I'm relaxing abit better now :)

mom bought this vapouriser of sorts (it looks like a lamp) that she said was supposed to clear up sinuses - maybe I'll try that first!

- 01.12.2002 05:02 PM - Amber


Interesting dreams, Amber!~lol

- 01.12.2002 05:07 PM - Gia


Dreams are subconscience longings.

- 01.13.2002 06:29 PM - Jon


Gia - yeaaah certainly not a "walking into Wendy's in my underwear" type, but I s'pose good enough ;)

Jon - hmm indeed. that explains the dream I had this morning anyway.

- 01.13.2002 07:23 PM - Amber


what is 'glomping'? i'm lost.

- 01.14.2002 08:24 PM - jessica


since the old source has closed down, I present

exibit b: glomping

hope that helps!

- 01.14.2002 10:46 PM - Amber


aah, i see.

- 01.15.2002 06:07 PM - jessica


teacher my shoes are making noise. my daddy shoots people.

- 01.21.2002 06:40 PM - will


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