Is It Something I Said?
12:05 AM CST
Nobody would look at me after a day or two of following me around and think I'm graceful. suuuure I have the long legs and thin fingers and prettiful nails that make it seem like I'm dainty and could do ballet and play the piano, but it isn't so. I'm such a dunce it's amazing I survive. I could just see if I went out more often what would happen!!
Of course, then again, I have seen what has happened. I tripped on stairs alot, skinned knees, scraped up palms of hands on the sidewalk, fell off my bike more times than I could count (though I was a little daredevil, sooo I was just asking for it there). now, this might seem abit absurd, but at least once every week, I wobble sideways and bang into a wall or at least my shoulder hits the side of the door when walking out of a room. I cannot explain this phenomenon besides that mom has always thought I had that inner ear disorder which makes people walk sideways or fall over or get dizzy occasonally. it seems rather scary, but whatever. if this is the answer to all my klutziness, I'd wonder if there was a cure, buuut somehow it's ALOT more fun having stories to tell about my dorkiness than stories about perfecting a pirouette in ballet...who knows. I used to take ballet and I hated it.
Another thing I seem to hate and is not at all fun about myself is the fact that I get rashes occasionally and break out on my back or chest...feh. at least I don't have to view such atrocities on a daily basis since they are completely hidden by clothes. my face breaks out occasionally, but I've had good luck there so it only does it alot during *that* time which is more than I can say for some people. it's just the hidden schtuff which only should bother me if it's there and someone else might have the delight of seeing it which I hope won't come soon. I'm completely modest only cause I dislike the way I look unclothed. damn the man.
I just spent $270 on anime tonight. I may regret later, but for now I'm rather pleased with what I walked away with. mom seems abit ticked, but only cause she used my $2000 to pay the bills so therefore everything I spend will have to be paid for with other credit cards. this seems icky. it is still my money though, so I'm entitled to spend as much of it that is mine even if mom spent it. HAH!
She was rather happy yesterday or the day before to find out that I did indeed buy her an xmas gift, buuut it was out of stock. the company called in sayin' they couldn't find it and to pick something else. I was certainly wondering what was taking them so long. I got a nice little 'awww' snuggle for that. woohoo!
Appreciation was certainly needed since I was feeling rather useless this past week or more. mostly cause I feel so dead. I'm starting to think what I say isn't interesting enough - poor misguided psyche. feh. I'm sure I'll go back to thinking I'm the shit in the next week. it goes back and forth depending on how much attention I get - just hasn't been to my liking recently, but I think it's my own analysis that is doing this to me. when I think in neutral terms, I've gotten the same amount per usual. it's just I'm not flirting or getting flirted to and this is unusual - at least since august it is .....maybe it's good though. flirting is too much trouble. it got me into enough of it. I'd even flirt with those I had no interest in at all just cause I saw a good line I could use. sucking on lollipops innocently and showing off my sexy dance - slap my ass! I was toooo much. now I'm just a bore who licks spoons and sucks on my knee every so often just cause I'm bored and boring.
Grandma sent us cookies leftover from xmas - damn gooood ...like heaven. they couldn't have come at a better time either! my goal to gain weight might be met sooner (maybe I should hold off on buying pants till I get to the weight I want...hrmph). especially since I want to drown my pitiful sorrows in that chocolate and those cookies. I ate all the pecan tartes in two days and half the brownie/fudge thing. this is really a saaaaad pathetic realisation, but it's okay. who knows why I get all sad about it though since it is my goal. maybe it's cause it's almost like comfort food and I feel silllly always feeling I must mope about everything.
Mostly, it's the fact that I miss touch to the point of nooo return. it's really stupid. I have dreams to compensate for all I'm not getting (I never got before, so what's the deal now?). the last dream I had involved Jorge being mean to me - he broke into my house (well, our old house...it's weird how it appears whenever some bad ass scene happens) drunk as could be - it was laaate. I said for him to leave since it felt wrong for him to be there in that state. he wobbled about and collapsed onto the floor when I tried to shut the door to the garage. he called me a biaaatch and told me to meet his friends who were surprisingly sitting on some couch in the garage. they all waved and laughed - they seemed traaashed too since I recall some of their faces were flushed and they were abit rowdy-seeming. I slammed the door and walked away. Jorge followed me through the hallway. I turned back and stared at him with this look of how could you? and he fell and passed out. I just stood there in silence. soon enough he got up and said "what's up?" in a calm cheerful sober tone. I smiled and we hugged and went out to the hottub in the backyard (which is broken and smells like old chlorine; well, laaaast I saw it it was - that thing gave me a rash allll behind my ears when I was around eight, so good riddance!). I sooo know he would NOT want to go in a hottub in real life, but still the atmosphere was cheerful despite that fact. too bad when he turned nice, the dream ended and I woke up. sad. I can't even have happy moments last longer within a dream ...my sleep consciousness (since there really is nooo subconcious I've been told) really hates me.
Mom thinks (well, okay, okay, I said the fence part; she said she would have to drive me around the corner cause no way I could hop the fence, but I teaaase) I should hop that fence over there in my sophisticated clothes I've been talking about wanting and work at those office buildings. it's too bad I have no idea what they do in those office buildings or it would intrigue me. furthermore, I have no money for these professional put together clothes I want. those Burberry handbags look sooo niiice too - none of my outfits would go with 'em though. I'm cheap-ly baglady looking on a regular basis. maybe I was meant to never be put together.
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