Ya know, sometimes I wonder if it's best to be left alone; never being noticed - in the background - than having had the attention at some point since when it disappears you know what you're missing.

I'll Retract My Ass
11:16 PM CST

I, honestly, don't know how exactly to go about this without seeming entirely all too inferiour and stupid. I composed the perfect entry in my head last night, but sadly, things never come out the way you exactly want them to. it all started when I was reading the next short story in my book. I got abit teary eyed and nodded at the page, like the way the paragraph described the situation matched up with mine, but in reality, I just wanted to compare it somehow to seem like I wasn't alone in my thoughts.

this was the paragraph (I guess spoilers if you care to read this short story collection; Birds of America): "You're not feeling anything, are you?" he finally said. "What is wrong?" "I'm not sure," she said cryptically. "The rainstorms are so loud in this part of the world." The wind from a storm blew through the screens and sometimes caused the door to the bedroom to slam shut. "I don't like a door to slam," she whispered. "It makes me think someone is mad."


---

Anyway, when I lay there thinking too excessively about things in general, I began seeing it all like I was typing it out. I should've just typed it out right then, but it was late and I was sleepy. I composed a list of all I did wrong; everything I screwed up on. it was a long list as I recall cause I was in a self loathing moment. I go off and on with hating myself. everyone has always told me that if I hate myself, I can't really love anyone else. I don't know though. if this is true then I'll always be alone, right? or I have to correct myself. I try not to be hard on myself, but it's difficult since I rely so much on what others say. as soon as someone says something I interpret as wrong the brain runs off on it before I'm even aware and I get this sinking feeling all over.

We've all heard this before though....right? I talk about self hate enough subtlely. I'm not entirely depressed either. it all depends on others. I'd never off myself at least - I know this much - I just would rather shut myself up in a corner when I'm told "no" or imply that I'm not good enough; I can't correct myself or I'm not doing it fast enough.

Here's a short list of things I've done this past week that were totally stupid:

  • decided to do nothing on new years
  • ate a year old chocolate bar
  • broke two new years resolutions
  • stayed up till 9:30am saturday just to watch cartoons; made mom mad
  • felt drugged
  • been annoying
  • felt heartbroken against my will
  • scraped my hand on a hanger

    And here's a list of some of what I dislike that I've done since 1994:

  • became infatuated with a girl
  • got a perm
  • had a crush on one boy (my guy friend) for three years ignoring all other boys and therefore not gaining any experience points
  • ignoring all other friends once Teri came back and then when she stabbed me in the back (figuratively speaking), I had no friends left by senior year
  • never prepared at all for college; no SATs, no looking, no applications - instead I laid about in my room skipping school for periods of time sayin' I was sick and writing angsty poetry and essays on why I hate school and everyone sucks
  • didn't participate in any events - no prom or graduation
  • got a form sayin' I had to do community service or no diploma cause I skipped ten days of school
  • after school ended, I didn't leave the house, got ill in July and didn't do anything till August
  • went to do my service sometime around then - stayed an hour - was an ass and cried...got my diploma for crying
  • went to Ohio and continued to do nothing with my time
  • came back two months later after a severe fight with grandpa for not getting up when it was past noon (the horror!)
  • stayed in my new townhome for six months without stepping outside, but I was content anyway
  • lindsey and the others finally visit - I step out abit - it doesn't help much though since I obviously screwed up bigtime
  • I stay indoors for another long ass time. do various webprojects, sell stuff on eBay and sit and complain about crushes I have or relationships I think I have
  • that's my life...it sounds stupid doesn't it?


    ---

    Honestly, when my life is written out like that, it does sound pretty damn icky. I mean, there were some good memories inbetween, but written in black and white, I haven't done much with my time. at least I'm looking healthier. for awhile, I looked like pure death and wouldn't really dress or shower that often since what was the point if no one saw me or cared?


    ---

    I must admit that the staying up for cartoons thing was enjoyable at the time I was doing it. I'm not sure what I was thinking though, but I was content in a slightly geeked out heavy headed I've-been-up-too-long way. it only lost its thrill once mom got up and said I was going to make myself sick and she hoped I'd move out and away from her and her computer time. really, this killed the mood. I was all proud of catching cartoons and chatting with whoever was around including Jorge - this was actually when I thought some of the fun had returned. maybe I was wrong about that though.

    You know what I really miss or will if the content (slightly happy) moments really do end? that someone found me interesting in real life.....at least for awhile.

    *title is from a line in a song that mom misinterpreted and I had a good laugh over.

    Previous . Next

  • All Writing/Images Copyright 2000-01 Amber.
    sardonic-hee enterprises