I'll Retract My Ass
11:16 PM CST
I, honestly, don't know how exactly to go about this without seeming entirely all too inferiour and stupid. I composed the perfect entry in my head last night, but sadly, things never come out the way you exactly want them to. it all started when I was reading the next short story in my book. I got abit teary eyed and nodded at the page, like the way the paragraph described the situation matched up with mine, but in reality, I just wanted to compare it somehow to seem like I wasn't alone in my thoughts.
this was the paragraph (I guess spoilers if you care to read this short story collection; Birds of America): "You're not feeling anything, are you?" he finally said. "What is wrong?" "I'm not sure," she said cryptically. "The rainstorms are so loud in this part of the world." The wind from a storm blew through the screens and sometimes caused the door to the bedroom to slam shut. "I don't like a door to slam," she whispered. "It makes me think someone is mad."
Anyway, when I lay there thinking too excessively about things in general, I began seeing it all like I was typing it out. I should've just typed it out right then, but it was late and I was sleepy. I composed a list of all I did wrong; everything I screwed up on. it was a long list as I recall cause I was in a self loathing moment. I go off and on with hating myself. everyone has always told me that if I hate myself, I can't really love anyone else. I don't know though. if this is true then I'll always be alone, right? or I have to correct myself. I try not to be hard on myself, but it's difficult since I rely so much on what others say. as soon as someone says something I interpret as wrong the brain runs off on it before I'm even aware and I get this sinking feeling all over.
We've all heard this before though....right? I talk about self hate enough subtlely. I'm not entirely depressed either. it all depends on others. I'd never off myself at least - I know this much - I just would rather shut myself up in a corner when I'm told "no" or imply that I'm not good enough; I can't correct myself or I'm not doing it fast enough.
Here's a short list of things I've done this past week that were totally stupid: decided to do nothing on new years
ate a year old chocolate bar
broke two new years resolutions
stayed up till 9:30am saturday just to watch cartoons; made mom mad
felt heartbroken against my will
scraped my hand on a hanger