A Bad Start?
11:38 PM CST
Needless to say, that time hath come and that's why I've been in such a sad ass mood since new years started. I mean, I wasn't entirely upset on new years, but I was getting there. once I licked my knee and went "wahoo" I realised I wasn't having much fun. sure, I could say it's my fault for not wanting to do anything, buuut maybe it's cause the stuff I was offered to participate in didn't interest me. ah welll. I now know the culprit of why I was upset for awhile. I thought I was seriously going to get depressed again and kept sayin' "fuck it" alot to mahself.
I broke two of my new years resolutions cause of my brain - "have better relationships with people. don't think everyone hates me" and "change sleeping habits" ...guess what happened last night? I thought 'everyone hates me...I'm such an ass and cursed....what's wrong with me? why am I so loathable?' through tears and went to bed at 5am. ugh.
At least now I'm aware of why I was feeling this way. I seriously didn't want to get up this afternoon - yes, afternoon. I crawled out around 2:34 and tried to sound cheerful. mom noticed something was up when I kept sniffling and sitting in the corner staring at the wall. I just kept repeating, "no, no, I'm fine. everything's fine." and she'd ask what went on last night; anything interesting? I said "no, nothing nothing....fine..." totally lying to myself, but whenever I say what's wrong to mom she rants at me or says "fine be that way, bitch!" so, now I just put on the fiiiine front. it works unless I start crying. this time I didn't, but finally I did mention abit of why I thought I was upset. eh.
Last night, there were certain factors that increased my pissed offedness. well, for one, grandpa told mom that we should pack up our things and move up there. he says this alot, but just cause he bought us this house, doesn't mean he owns us. I doubt mom would want to live there again either. she doesn't seem thrilled when she mentions him sayin' it. she did rant to me about the bills and living in a box again and how we really will have to do what he says if we fail and that maybe I should get a job and help out so we don't have to...ugh. okay, that may seem reasonable, but I even have trouble going to the store....maybe if it was a freelance job I could do it. I do eBay just fiiine. I'll sell more stuff. I could get another webjob, but I bet they'd hate my work. I haven't even done enough design in awhile and my keyboard is sticky - almost impossible to type code on it. word pad is gone, too...at least the default one. hmm. I guess I won't think about all this right now till mom is realllly hyperventilating. she rants alot and things end up okay.
Also, and I know this may seem silly, but Jorge seemed 'off' when I spoke to him that day, so that made me abit more unhappy than I was before (I think things are okay now; at least now I'm not feeling depressed, so I feel abit better about it all). I already wasn't having a good 2002. I hope to redeem myself after this week cause lord knows when I'm all hormonal, I can't do anything worth anything.
One good thing about this time is that I certainly eat enough to make up for feeling sick all the other weeks. let's seee, last night I ate a year old chocolate bar cause I was craving more chocolate after that Godiva goodness. then today, I had chocochip eggos, the rest of the bag of lays bistro chips (which was half full but a big bag), angelhair pasta with parmesian cheese and abit o' sauce, and some chocochip walnut cookies (4) I baked earlier with some tea (big ass cup - ya know, once I hit the bottom of the cup, my teeth feel like wood or porcelain and I feel this sweet aftertaste in the back of my mouth..weiiird. maybe it either sat too long or I stuck too much sugar in it). okay, more than usual. usually I just uh, eat dinner and have a spot of tea...hah.
One thing that would reallly make me feel better would be a massage right about now. my back is sooo hurting - plus my side.
I owe Jorge a massage though ;) maybe next week....when I'm not hurty. ouch.
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