The Climatic Moments
11:57 PM CST
The only thing I look forward to anymore is evening tea. seriously. I used to hate tea and now that's all I have at night. just warm black tea with sugar heat up in the microwave since it's brewed waaay too early for it to still be hot when I get to it. somehow the past couple days I've felt a sense of dread or well, dreariness. maybe it's the rain. the cold. the fact that I sleep in waaay later than I ever used to in my life. I mean, monday is the first time I woke up before noon in about a week or more and actually stayed up. I go to bed at 6am. I lose track of time. where does all the time go? I know I certainly don't see it go by.
Draaaama is something I've been trying to avoid, but for some reason I still feel so much like crying from the actual silence. hearing nothing, thinking of nothing, being nothing. that isn't any way to live; no way no how. I'm trying to get over being alone. it is evident that I am not meant for anything more than maybe a flirtatious conversation.
It isn't even relationships that bother me all the time. it's always being indoors and having nothing to do; nowhere to be. I've lost all ambition I ever grasped before if I had any then. the fact is that whenever I mention feeling this way I'm told to do something about it. it's hard to explain, but I don't see me doing anything with my life. I don't see the future or a drastic change along the horizon. I'm not psychic, but if I don't see it, then I probably can't make it happen. I'm sure alot of peole have directionless hopeless problems. I'm not the only person. I just figure if I was someone better - someone who had no mental probs or physical ailments, I'd do more. I can think and think and think and thoughts overwhelm me. just thinking about the future and even the simple act of maybe having a small job or learning how to drive scares me to death. I feel those opportunities have passed me by since I'm just too old to even learn now; it's something that seemed easier when I was fifteen than now. it's all dad's fault for scaring me to death while I was driving in the parking lot. I still get miffed over that. he keeps offering to teach me. I'd rather not. not with him. he never has common sense; he'd scare me again so I'd never want to drive for another five or even ten years; who knows.
Presents. at least this is one thing I can handle! I bought two gifts today! secret santa and lindsey. I still have aunt jo jo and grandma to buy for ...grandpa's cookies will be baked at the very last minute since they're only good fresh. all will be well. mom will get a gift as well, but she wants too much and I'm not sure what to get for her that'll be good enough. *shrugs* she won't mind when she gets it, so I'll think more about that one.
My weblog layout is done and the greymatter code has been implemented. the blogger archives overwhelmed me though; I don't know what I don't want. I certainly don't want to delete the whole blog though. it is so frustrating!! the mere thought of going through each month and deleting various posts makes me shake. maybe I'll delete them whenever and just put the layout up when I'm done with it. I mean, can I realllly run out of too much space from keeping all the archives up for now? I worry waaay too much about trivial things.
Falling off the roof had caused me to think too much. yesterday I had this intense urge to kiss someone; so much so that I wished I looked better and then began to cry. seriously, my eyebrow now has a gash! I don't know what happened! and my hair! MY hair!! it's horrible and ugly; it looks like evil witch hair...all thin and wirey and long and frizzy at the ends. what the hell happened in the past week? I just want to crrrry. people say I'm pretty or cute, but they haven't seen me in motion or for that matter, what I look like right now. I was semi-cute before.
I bet Jorge'll be rethinking his visit. man am I depressing this week. it goes with the weather. it goes with the weather.
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testing to see if comments work
05:18 AM - Amber
fer fuck's sake amber....my 24 year old cousin just learned how to drive and she's from a foreign country. you're not too old, its all in your fucking head yah said so yerself.
08:43 PM - will
yeaaah I know. my mom's cousin didn't really learn till she was 27 or so...I guess I just fear it is all.
I figure maybe one day I can since it wasn't that tough when I tried...*shrugs*
and keep in mind that this entry was a 'pity me' entry :P
09:15 PM - Amber