I can't stop shaking today and feeling like total crap. stupid hormones. plus, it really is cold outside. the windows were frosted and I had to swipe some of the condensation off one of the squares to peer out the window per usual when on the phone. what a hassle, eh?

11:47 PM CST

Xmas gets all the more closer and yet nothing gets done yet. I seemingly have blocked it from my mind the more time that goes by and pretend there is plenty pleeennnty of time. I'll be deluding mahself until the last second - I just know it. it just doesn't feel like it should be happening yet. I'm going to address all the cards tomorrow I've decided and send them out on monday. oh yeah, I got three cards so far from zee squishettes card exchange. thank you Jessifer, misscourtness, and Piper :)

Furthermore, I feel abit of tension concerning lindsey - after I told her we probably wouldn't be going up there this year either. I mean, suuure it seemed like a good idea to go this time back in August, but like hell it does now. I mean, with all the plane fiascos and security blahdeblaah. I just don't feel safe and there's money involved in travelling and there's my anxiety and there's mom not wanting to really go at such short notice and my not wanting to go at such short notice...the list goes on. I want to hang out with lindsey and have our annual xmas eve present opening event. I'd like to do all of this, buuut there's just too many obstacles for my little mind to handle at the moment. I didn't mean it as some punishment to ruin their xmas which I think is why she got mad when I told her. I feel so awful though I reallly shouldn't. I mean, I bet she has more fun overall than we have on a day to day basis.

I still hope this tension doesn't mean we can't talk and give each other presents though. I mean, I've got enough money now, buuut no damn idea what to get anyone!!! besides grandpa...I make him cookies now which is more than enough I guess. he likes em.


Why is it that I'm such a tease? I should explain, buuut I'm not really sure how. I mean, I already made it clear I'm not easy, buut for some reason I seem untouchable - like a tease. this isn't something I aim for, of course, but it happens. I talk and talk and flirt and flirt and it gets no one anywhere - quite frustrating overall. I keep thinking of how to remedy this problem, but none seem to come to mind.

Sometimes it's me who stops the action and sometimes it's them. now why would I say I'm a tease when certainly whoever I am after could be at fault, too? this is sort've how the 'cursed' title came about...'cursed' to have no touching! no relationship! no crush-y glow for longer than a week!

Seriously, I see a big 'X' over mahself that says 'stay away!' I might stay on someone's mind for a slight while if at all, but I'm nothing special. I guess I shouldn't talk about such things when I'm under the 'too hormonal to know what I'm sayin' ...I just suck, not pretty and no one loves me' attitude.


I spoke to Jorge (Whorhed) [have I ever mentioned him? I don't think so...] on the phone today. I can't believe he all bought a calling card and the calling card hated me at the end and cut me off! anywaaay, it was interesting. no one fell asleep at least, though I did that whole 'hello? uuh hello?' thing when the card ran out which gave me that dejavu feeling.

Apparently if and when he visits next week, he's going to move my remote to piss me off cause I like it placed diagonally on my books which most know. it's a feng shui thing. hrrm. I still wonder why the reason to upset me, buuut I won't question it I s'pose. it's just funny that he's all tellin' me he's going to do it before he goes and does it. no element of surprise will be had with that! annnd I probably won't be as upset since I know it's going to happen. nooow, if he doesn't move the remote with me thinking he might, well, maybe that might get me abit unnerved [reverse psychology].

I have one more thing to say about this conversation - I cussed alot. I was paraphrasing songs and such, but stiiilll. it must be the falling off the roof that gone and done it. the beast emerges et al.


Tonight I had some comfort food though. I was happy with maaah mashed potatoes and fudge cookies. leave me alone.

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