There's nothing I'd rather do then end this year on a good note. the year 2001 has just not been very good in general. there were happy moments, but most were muddled later when the rose coloured lens were removed. sometimes I think I've tried too hard. I certainly can tell from reading everything I've written in the past. analysation is just something I do all too well.

Every Night and Every Day
11:53 PM CST

Now, when looked at from another perspective - as in action wise - I haven't tried hard enough. I'm talking about in maah miiind. I build things up and build them up then I fall really hard. it isn't a good cycle at all. when I'm doing it, I don't even realise what I'm doing. it's somewhat a second nature to my whole persona. as soon as I'm aware, I've already fucked up everything.

Mostly it's relationships that are screwy. you must've seen it coming. what else do I have problems with? I mean, okay, I put myself down alot, but I know when I've done something well in general. I just won't admit to it cause of what others may think. if they reject it sayin' I could do better, well then! I'm insecure as all get out. that isn't truely fair to my self esteem - to put myself through the torture of waiting for others approval.

*Ahem* I seem to have went offtopic if there ever was one - though I did a niiiice analysation of me. I'm my own psychologist, yo! okay okay, if one person says, "hell no. that isn't even you. you couldn't be a psychologist if you triiiied" then I'll go cryy in a corner. see? more proof that I'm right, right?

Back on topic - relationships. they're difficult to come by or well, in my situation they are since I'm very particular. I can't help who I may like at any certain point and time. most likely, when I like that person, they no longer care a dip dap dooobie doooo about me (I'm getting crazy, shutup....I'm allowed to make funny) anymore and if they like me, I can't muster up enough from within to care about them. it's always me feeling very intensely about a person and them sayin' "I should order a pizza" or me rolling my eyes in the back of my head thinking, "I should order a pizza.." while they say, "oh I love you. don't ever leave me!!"

Can ya see the problem with this?? there's no middle ground where there's mutualness on the same level. from reading the history of this journal, you can probably tell abit of who and what I'm talking about. this can describe most any relationship I come across though. I mean, suure it works in the present situation, but it can be a generalisation as well.

Right now, I can't make myself feel intensely about anyone cause I don't want something that's on a onesided scale; I either want us both on the same page or me feeling nothing at all and them feeling nothing at all. why is that so difficult?

I'm up for fun - like a niiice make out session or dancing or hanging out with no relationship, but for some reason I can't really picture myself going that route even if I really want to just let go of inhibitions. dad surely thought so by our conversation on the phone sunday. well, he said I'm up for anything that is out there. isn't that inadvertantly sayin' I'm easy?? no wonder I had that dream a couple nights ago that I was seeing this younger guy (who knows since I don't date those younger than me) and we were walking up the stairs to his room which had a balcony (to kiss; we were already holding hands) and passed his parents; his mom said, "there's one thing to say about those older ones..they're easy."

Certainly I'm not easy!! that's the bottom line. I seem more of a stubborn mean strict ass than easy. if I was, I could've had plenty by now. I say no if I feel nothing even if they don't look bad.

Now, somehow since I mention alot of guys and have an actual list of phone numbers on one sheet of paper with just guys names doesn't mean anything. in fact, I don't really call people alot; I just write numbers down for the hell of case I'm lonely or upset and need a friend.

Hrm..anyway, yeah, dad is so wrong. he shouldn't even be discussing that with me anyway. so wrong.


Is it wrong to sort've semi-liiiike someone again? (j00 might kn0w wh0 j00 4r3 ...1137ism..woo!)
I'm not allowing myself to let down my guard though. it ain't a good idea. for one, I still have a screwy situation with shaun who still wants to buy me presents. or he did. I have no idea. xmas is a time for giving so it's semi-justifiable, but I mean, there's a difference between a card and maybe a book or somethin' annnnd a pile o' gifts which is what he made it sound like. I mean, I get this vibe cause of the pluralisation of the word 'present'...that brings to mind at least more than one. I got him nothing. well, I haven't gotten anyone anything, but that isn't the point.

Speaking of not getting anyone anything, it's realllly funny when I told Will I didn't know what I was getting lindsey yet and he said "vodka and sex vodka and sex" ...HAH! I told her what he said and she said vodka always makes a nice present, but she likes boys. then I said, "maybe a boy holding a bottle of vodka!" and she said she had a boyfriend, but I could get her Conor Oberst...helllll yeaaaaaah! hee! he's cuuute. I actually have a Bright Eyes album in my discman right now which is evident by the title of this entry.

Hopefully I'll know what I'm really getting everyone in the next week or so. I was supposed to start the cards out today, but I completely forgot since I was tired. maybe tomorrow I'll start on 'em. I mean, there's plenty of time to write out a card and send it I think. my cards have abit of sparkle, too! hee! anyway, if you want one, leave a comment or email me. I'll probably have some left over.


I've kept myself busy beyond xmas gift ideas and relationship/analysing mahself thoughts though it cannot be seen here. mostly the weblog layout which I finally had a breakthrough on. I fixed the sidebar so it flows with the rest of it. now, all I need to do is email all the former team members who were still posting before and see if they want to join the new incarnation (do email if you weren't on the team and would like to be! I'm always up for new members!), delete most of the archive from blogger (I'm keeping the team members posts and erm maaybeee a few of mine which were well written and not just links), add more quotes to the quote box, and add all the subpages into the new layout. shouldn't be that difficult, eh?


Now, I'm going to end this, still thinking about my messed up persona. it's bad enough that I come off as an art test...

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