The holiday season hit me square in the face after last night; the Tree Lighting in Rockefellar Center (all capitalised cause it was shown on NBC; uhh that's a valid reason, plus it's pretty all like that) [while looking up how to spell Rockefellar, I saw this]. doesn't it seem like it's starting earlier or am I just in denial?

Starting and Fumbling
11:44 PM CST

Me and mom made our comments pertaining to the performers at the event. it started with Marc Antony (sp?) singing Feliz Navidad; mom made fun of him sayin' he looked like an alien. I think he looks perfectly fine. stop the animosity!

Jessica Simpson was next; she didn't look riiight with that brown dye. I dunno; it seemed wrong. plus, (mom pointed this out to me; LAAAAUUUGH!) what was with her getting all zafuuuu claaaazy with the hands and head whipping on the word 'turkey' ...it was like "tuuuhhherreerreerrkkkeeeeeyyyy" I mean, get into the song with the slight animated hands dealie that allll pop singers use nowadays; actually who started that? Mariah Carey? Whitney Houston? one of those divas....anyway, what I'm tryin' to say is that we don't need zee passion on turkey. wtf.

I started to get sidetracked after that performance. whenever Destiny's Child came out is when I started payin' attention again. I have nothing bad to say about them. they're from the H to the Town ....no frontin' ...plus the boy choir backing em up on the 'ding ding's' was cuuute.

Who knows what happened between all the performers and the actors getting chatted up. I was busy working on something. I looked back towards the end when they did the countdown to the tree lighting. mom was jinxing it with her idea that the tree would explode on zero or a bomb would be dropped (erm, apparently someone predicted that at the end of November another attack would take place and with this big event being liiive...anyway, even if the prediction is correct, uhh nothing bad happened during this). anyway, as soon as the prettty prettty colourful lights blazed brightly towering over everyone (81ft tall; 5 miles high), man oh man, I shed a few tears. go ahead and laugh. I'm hormonal. it got to me. I dabbed at my eyes with my used pizza napkin.


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I would've said that all yesterday if I wasn't so overcome with emotion. no, really I just forgot to update thanks to laziness.

abit of linking since I've missed the weblog (it'll be back sooner than you think): squishettes is back. forget the idea that my forum will have competition; I was abit sad over that at first, but it is nice to reconnect with people I would've never thought to email or gather up. oh yes, check out the drawing I sketched today in like ten minutes. you can tell that it didn't take long, riiight? I still might use it for the weblog since it's nice and wintery; I mean, I'm going to alter it and layer...who do you think I am if I don't? this is a rough draft sort've, ya know?


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Xmas is arriving soon as I've made evident. that means thinking of gifts to give to others; I've made new friends and well, reconnected with some. cards for aquaintances is nice, but I should do something for those who I got close with; even though lately - the past week - I haven't seen much of anyone which saddens me. I get veddy veddy depressed around every possible holiday. usually the holiday music helps abit (and now I got that special xmas mix I made last year which has weezer and ally mcbeal songs; especially the robert downey one! River I think...) to at least make me want to go through with the routine of buying gifts and putting on a smile.

I doubt there will be a tree this year unless we go to Ohio. I just don't see it happening unless someone creates a teleportation device ASAP!! I hate the idea of driving, and well, we know how I feel about planes...and airports since I was abandoned at that one for half the night way back when; the last time I ever saw one...ugh.


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One short pathetic paragraph (editor's note upon completion: okay I liiied this ain't short..short my ass; pathetic yes)....I feel like most people abandon me eventually - mostly when I start liking them or becoming accustomed to having them around. it just isn't fair in the general sense. I mean, what have I ever done to deserve that? maybe people are busy occasionally, but weeks and weeks go by and I figure they're gone. even shaun - I saw him online yesterday and he signed off before I had time to react (about two minutes; I was checking my mail). I'd like to think we're still friends. I mean, most say go for a clean break and just get on with life, but it isn't that I didn't like him at all. I just think we're wrong together simply cause of the distance and we don't know each other well enough. possibly if we were friends, we'd learn more and I wouldn't feel so alone in general. this may seem selfish just to want someone around cause you're lonely...it isn't that way in my mind. I really do care. just not about salvaging the romantic possibility...how can it be there when I need constant conversation to get me the least bit aroused. I'm not taken in at all lately. by him.

There is one thing that makes me cry. that I'm unloveable. people can try, but there's always something wrong. something I do or they do that gets in the way. I've pondered just being cursed. cursed to be alone simply for making the wrong choices, for falling for someone at the wrong time or the wrong way. sometimes I just want to erase everything with a giant pink eraser; or even better the biggest ass circle width on the eraser function on photoshop - one big swipe and all is gone. all the mistakes. obviously people can see them and that's why they play with my mind or whatever happens. I don't even care the circumstances of why right now. this is just an idea I've let simmer in my head for the past couple days...I may flirt, I may get told I'm great or I'm liked or I'm loved or maybe even attractive! still doesn't mean there will ever be action. just words and abandonment.

Welcome to holiday angst.


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Musical Corner
Song of the Day: She's Lost Control by Joy Division
Album to Buy: Substance

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