The past couple days I've felt some sort've rage within me. of course, it is probably connected with a certain little "event" that happened thanksgiving which I'll get to later. there are other factors though; deeep hidden factors. sometimes I regret everything I ever did my whole life. not this though...not this.

The New Face of Rage
09:06 PM CST

Dad made an unexpected visit thursday evening; he was supposed to go to Dallas to see his brother or something. he fell ill that week though and yes, he coughed and coughed when he stopped by on tuesday with some mix cd he made for me as a gift for who knows what reason. I haven't listened to it yet though; I think it's Pink Floyd; I heard some of their stuff before and didn't particularly like it. I'm not trying to be snooty; just a preference. I might listen sometime soon anyway just so I don't have to hear about it for the next decade.

Anyway, he brought over some food and so mom decided she wasn't going to make me my mashed potatoes and stuffing. I got abit peeved since the food he brought was from The Black Eyed Pea!!! *fills with slight rage* everyone knows how much I hate that place; well, everyone who has been in close proximity to me for the past at least ten years. I can't even hear a mention of the name. that's how much I dislike it. okay, it isn't particularly the food, but that it made me ill. everytime almost. from a certain point onward, I decided never to eat their food again no matter how hungry I ever got and I've stuck to that. I can't believe dad forgot! I mean, yes, I liked the candy sticks at the checkout there, buuut even that had a bad experience behind it; one day in the car, in the backseat, I was singing or talking realll fast and I think teri was with me (we were being silly perhaps) and dad hit a bump in the road. I was lauuuughing and then I choked on the stick....seriously; I didn't get it out till about a half an hour later. sure, my passage wasn't blocked, but it was damn scary, okay? never eat candy in car. and certainly not from ths restaurant; cursed!

Now that there is a backstory, you can see why I'd be upset that he brought food from this particular place. I then decided I'd make an english muffin with butter and have that be my food. I was at the verge of not caring anyway and I wasn't that hungry. I come downstairs to get some iced tea and dad offers me some pumpkin pie he saved. I was just about to let the restaurant issue go until that point. EVERYONE knows I hate pumpkin pie. I cannot even hear the name at some points; I guess as long as I'm not in a thinking mood it can be mentioned, but I never want to see it. ew. ever since I had some at grandma's and she didn't make it. it was horrible and I haaaated it. I forget how long ago that was, but me and lindsey faught over the whipped creme and what slice we got. we dove in. I about gaaaaaaaagged. I thought I'd like it, but was mistaken. there has been close to worse things I've eaten in life, but this was just horrid. people kept trying to tell me that it was just that particular one that was bad, but I just refuse to listen. traumatising memories stick in my mind. it's a curse.

Hmmph. okay, so I say that I can't believe he doesn't know I haaate pumpkin pie and I haaaate that restaurant and the two combined is like hell on earth. mom told me I should at least say thanks and I sort've laughed, finished getting my ice, poured my drink and was about to walk upstairs when dad says, "I hope you learn to be a better person."

I said some other stuff before this comment about how I turn mom's light off before she goes to bed and how I am wanted for certain things; I'm not entirely evil. I give thanks where it is due. I just think dad does some of this stuff on purpose or he really doesn't listen to anything I've said the past billion years of my life or he has some set function in the common sense side of his brain that says 'always do the absolute worst thing when thinking it's the best...feign ignorance'

Hearing that I'm supposedly not a good person by him realllly set me over the line. I exploded, ya see? he hasn't been here to know that I've dealt with enough depression the past few weeks to have to deal with this on a day that is supposed to be cheerful which almost usually isn't in the actual sense when family is involved I guess. I yelled out, "what is your frikkin' problem?? what? now I'm not good?? more...more like you aren't! speak for yourself!" and I ran upstairs. I heard mom tell him he shouldn't have chimed in when he did. things were settling down over the whole 'thanks' issue until he spoke up.

Maybe I'm not a good person, but who is he to say? he never is here. I can be whoever I'd like to be; it isn't his problem. I mean, okay, maybe he was trying to do a nice thing and he screwed up double, well, I would've gotten over it, buuut it's just that statement. it's a horrible thing to say on thanksgiving. it's almost like I want to hate him sometimes.


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I did end up having my stuffing later after I watched Will&Grace which was hilarious!! I loved the whole meeting everyone's family deal...haha. and how disfunctional they all were in their own way. anywaaay, so yeah. I guess you could say I got what I wanted eventually, but I could've done without the whole ordeal beforehand. I was done over.


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Is it bad that the person I talk to most often lately is Richard? hee!
actually, no, no, if you're reading this, I liiiike j00 and I'll call j00 sometime in the next week, ya? okay, okay....and am I witty enough in this entry? will you quote me? heh heh. I'm actually quite enticed with the notion of going out, making out and eating pancakes. damn, yo.

I s'pose I need the craaazy in midst of my fux0red holiday (though I don't really count it as one entirely).

Musical Corner
Song of the Day: Dance Out of the Shadows by Lilac Time
Album to Buy:
lilac6

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