Like Paper Birds in the Sky
11:47 PM CST
Okay, here's how I see it:
if I'm depressed, I either eat alot or I sit in the corner and refuse to even think of the word 'food' (what? what? the 'f' word? fuck?).
if I'm angry, I will fuckin' rip my food apart like an animal and imagine it is whoever I'm mad at cause that's reaaaal healthy.
if I'm apathetic, I'll either not even remember there is food or I'll eat it, but not know if I liked it or not since I obiviously didn't care one way or the other.
if I'm happy, I enjoy my food and enjoy my time talking to others. HAH! like this mood strikes me more than once or twice a millenium.
if I'm excited, I don't eat anything cause anything I eat will make me feel icky cause of the butterflies in my stomach *flutter flutter* basically if anyone new visits or whathaveyou, I won't eat, but if they want to eat, that's fiiine. I don't care. sometimes when I'm not eating I forget to be a good host and offer food though. whoops.
if I'm sinus infested/ill/blaaah, just don't even say the word 'food' or I will turn green or very ghostly white and I'll put a pillow over my head. I hate being told to eat when I don't feel well. it ain't right. not right at all. plus, I'll spite you, even if I start to feel better. reason, I lost alot of weight in the first place a couple years ago...long, hard battle.
That's the gist of my eating habits according to mood; I'm sure I forgot some moods, but those are the only ones I could think of right now; I would've said the only moods I express, but obviously 'happy' isn't one that makes it in there too often. this is just a synopsis though. it's very interesting when written out. maybe this will help me regulate whatever I have going now. so far, I've been keeping up with the same amount of food each day which is quite a feat. Huzz4h! made my cheer half 3lit3 cause I'm too cool for you.
Speaking of eating habits, I wonder if it has anything to do with what has been going on lately. I might as well say that last week wasn't just cause I was lazy. I mean, I wrote, but not here. I just didn't want to look like a Loser McPatheticAssCakes (tm). the thing is, I've been sayin' I'm okay to alot of other people who read this journal and writing quite the opposite would make me look like a hypocrite. I just solve my emotional draaama better in my head if I pretend it's okay; say that I'll be okay. it sure prevents more heartache. of course, if I don't get it out in some way, shape or form, I eventually explode like a few months later out of nowhere when no one is expecting it. I will turn around when maybe you just slapped my back in a playful manner and start to cry and say, "OW! that huurts ...I'm such a fuckin' loser....blablabla...." and then eventually tell the WHOLE story when maybe you weren't involved or maybe you didn't even know any drama was going on in the past since I hid it well or maybe you weren't even in my life when it was happening! I'm good at hiding when I want to do so. it makes me feel liberated. that I have control, yo! ....when I guess I don't.
So.. so here it is. I will explain what has been wrong in a rational manner. that's new ain't it?
me and shaun have been having problems. I say it's my fault (for reasons I will explain in a sec), but he says it is his due to the fact that he has been unattentive; he hasn't been online enough or called or spoken to me like before. even before we didn't say much and I was starting to realise this as the weeks went on where we had minimal contact...I mean hardly any WHATSOEVER!
At this point, I was crying and depressed more often and I started having weird dreams. one, which I wrote about in the forum. after that dream, my feelings for him changed and I can't explain it. the dream itself shouldn't have been that threatening. as I began to think that weekend after the dream, I began to realise that it wasn't entirely the dream telling me my feelings were gone; I was devoid of emotion, but that my feelings were elsewhere.
Now, this may be a shock to a few since I seemed to have shown no real interest in that sense; at least not written here - I realised I was really attracted to Will. till I got rid of those feelings, there wouldn't be any there for shaun. this pained me as y'all might guess. I mean, to say you love someone one day and the next suddenly realise 'no' ....well, it was a blow to my whole concept of feeling. I had no idea one way or the other what I was doing. I felt fake; like I was lying by keeping it hidden for a couple weeks or so.
By the time it got closer to the day me and shaun were to meet (November 15th), I realised more than evah that I had to break up with him. I couldn't live a stupid fucking lie anymore. there was nothing that could fix us if my feelings had changed and he didn't prove I should otherwise; we never spoke. do y'all understand how that is? to wait and wait night and day just to speak to your boyfriend? emails don't work since he doesn't come online to check it enough and even if he does, he never fucking replies; writing a letter probably wouldn't work since it would take too long to send; can't call since there's no number to call. basically I just had to sit and wait or move on or not think at all. anyone could understand it was like we had no relationship at all.
This is quite shocking and quite freeing to write this all down. y'all don't know how it is to just burden everyone on your AIM and ICQ lists about this stuff and never write it all out rationally. this is good. this is nice. please no one kill me when I'm done.
So, you're probably wondering if I broke up with shaun and that's why I was all saaad and didn't write all of last week. that would be a good assumption, but no, I hadn't. I was really determined to by that monday though if it's any consolation for your guesses. the thing is, I didn't care at this point if I ended up alone, but being attracted to Will and losing all emotion for Shaun was a bad thing and I knew this all too well. of course, I won't fool you into thinking that I had no intention of wanting to pursue something with Will once the shaun thing was over and done; this is what made me more determined that monday afternoon. I was psyched...this scared me. I'm usually more thoughtful than this.
Of course, my plans were pretty much dashed when a certain someone told me they were dating again. I pretended not to care cause I never showed that I cared in the first place. this seemed like the best thing to do at the time. who was I to say anything? I had no dibs, I held no number in any proverbial (I would say hypothetical cause that makes more sense, but I like this word and it's my essay; 'scuse me) line, so I had no right to say anything one way or the other. I've been rejected before. this was nothing new. I think I handled myself well though I did get warm and couldn't type a full sentence for fear that I'd say something I didn't like. usually my reaction would be "fuck you" ...at least that's what it usually is when someone rejects me or I'd beg or still try to get them to like me. now, this was different since he didn't tell me himself, soooo what the hell. I stayed silent.
Taking that week off from most things did help me think. I hardly knew what day it was till friday came around and I wondered where all the time went. shaun appeared twice or so around that week and I tried to break things off with him more than once, but then I started to feel sorry; really sorry. what I was doing was so hypocritical. I don't want people to reject me, but already being in a relationship - he's in the dark - I have no right to do the same to him as what was done to me. plus, I heard his grandma died and his mom fell down the stairs; this is alot to take in and I understand. I'm trying to be a friend without saying too much.
Basically I'm taking time out; I won't assume anyone likes me or wants to pursue something and I don't want to even break up with shaun anymore; I'm just neutral. I should stay in this state of no feeling for awhile. it should help me figure out why things go wrong; why the pattern of cursedness. why do I always have the frikkin' WORST timing in all the land of dating hell? this is why I'm giving up.
Now, I really need a drink or somethin'
Song of the Day: Cursive - The Night I Lost The Will To Fight
Album to Buy: Domestica
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