Solitaire is my distraction of the day. the seven on the eight, the queen on the king, red black red black, blurred all together till I'm not even seeing the screen anymore. I get in trances when I don't want to do anything or think of anything though I still end up thinking eventually brought on by whatever music is repeating in the background as I hum. I was never a saint.

Never a Saint
08:04 PM CST

Lately I just feel depressed; like something is stabbing me over and over to make me fall to my knees. I can't control my emotions at all. I actually felt that old feeling I'd feel when I was being ignored and passed over for something better. I'm not sure what that means. I should be happy. now, shaun wants to visit on the fifteenth. most say that maybe I'm not cause I still haven't fully resolved whatever was bothering me and maybe I really don't care which I honestly cannot fathom. I mean, we've had a very intense relationship for a few months up until now. I ...I honestly don't want that to be true.

Well, I'll soon find out and maybe my depression will pass soon enough. sometimes my depression phases can last months though; I remember that one fall that I was depressed till end of november and the only thing that got it to go away was change ....if I would've stayed where I was at, things would not have gone as well. so, maybe I need change, but I don't know what. maybe him visiting will be change enough?


Another thing that is bothering me is that I can't make money lately. I sold one item on eBay this past month - a sweater - for $5. that'll pay the insertion fee. hah! those earrings still kill me! I'm about ready to fucking burn them. I swear. those earrings depress me the most of all in this whole wide world. I'm about ready to yell and scream and throw the biggest temper tantrum this world has ever seen (yeaaah that'll take the spotlight off bin laden and anthrax..hee! Headline reads: Girl throws temper tantrum involving much stamping and an atomic bomb which causes all of Houston to blow up; worse we've ever seen).

really now, I have about $40 for november left cause I spent more than half last month. I'm not sure what I'll spend it on; maybe I should save it like a good girl. really now! would it kill me to save money like I used to? just get more depressed and spending money won't seem appealing...HAH! that's how I gathered up $900 in checks that one year - I just saved them all up in a pile and I didn't buy anything. I didn't even have any books to read. I read the tv guide. see? saving and being without luxuries; getting depressed can be a good thing in this case.


Do you consider me the type who erm, used to be happy all the time? that me being upset is an uncharacteristic occurance? I see it as the other way around really. I see it as me being happy as me being fake and me being sad is me being who I always was beneath it all; believe me. I've probably been clinically depressed since I was fourteen. that's at least when I started showing real signs of it; I was even depressed for awhile back in third grade - didn't leave this one dark room for two months or so. I became insanely skinny cause I just took bites of frozen burger meals and watched sitcoms. I recall all this though it's vague. I never was fat again though after this. I mean, I was abit plump sophmore year, but it only lasted for a short while when all I ate was fast food; 110lbs is hardly what I'd call fat, but whatever....

Anyway, I always take a stroll off course...what brought this whole topic up was that shaun said "now that's my amber" when I put that I wasn't faking a smile. I probably took this out of context, but I immediately started to think that maybe he didn't know that I was most likely depressed and me being happy was a surprised situation. I usually hide it all with sarcasm, but *ahem* I won't go into that. the point is that he sees me being unhappy as a bad thing. I don't always. I mean, I feel all ready to explode if I don't have a good cry once in seems tonight might be another one of those nights for no "real" reason at all and there doesn't need to be.


Hmm...I hope things turn around somehow.

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- 11.04.2001 10:34 PM - suspense


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