Spiders Want Corners
11:57 PM CST
Last night/morning at around 4am, I got out my paper journal I had gotten for xmas last year and wrote in it for the first time. I swear, I kept saying I was going to write in it and just never have. it felt weird writing on actual paper again; I'm used to typing everything out now. even mailing labels! I still occasionally will write a letter to a friend with a mix cd, but that's few and far between. actually writing in journal format in an actual paper journal was a strange thing. especially when it was so late. I just knew that since shaun didn't seem to be coming online, I had to get out what I was feeling. it ended up being EIGHT FRIKKIN' PAGES!!! it only ended there cause I was tired by the time almost 5:30am rolled around. I still reached no definite conclusion within all the blather. it sounded like I was writing a thesis paper; an essay if ya will. all studious and with analogies.
This "essay" was basically about what I thought of me and shaun's relationship as is and that I wasn't very happy with it anymore. this all occurred to me in one quick-like motion. suddenly everything became clear to me and I wasn't really blinded by "love" or the idea of it. okay, this may seem entirely rude, but I'm not meaning it to be. I do believe I care about him and would like there to be something between us, but as much as I want this, it seems it can't be. as most have said, "he lives in california. I live waaay over here. he doesn't want to uproot his life. he doesn't have the money to visit more often. therefore how can it work?" I should talk to him about this. I can't leave him in the dark about my insecurities. it's just that he hasn't been around since Saturday and I started having these thoughts on Sunday. see the problem here? he can't even be around when I need to talk and probably if I did try to speak, he'd not fully understand what I mean. I'm not sure one way or the other. I'm not even sure what I'm getting at anymore. even after eight pages of it. this is the abridged version.
Oooh ooh did ya know that crushlink actually does tell you when you guess right? I thought it was all a ploy to get more members on their affiliates ....I went as far as to get three hints on the last one I got way back when and never guessed correctly!! >_< I listed about 10-15 email addresses...look, I don't know more guys than that...at least I don't know their email! after that many tries and that many hint emails, I figured it was all a ploy. apparently I'm just really dense or someone has a crush on me from afar from reading my website and I don't, in fact, know them ^^
There's also the possibility that they could've been guessing who sent them a crushlink and guessed me and I don't know them well enough or wouldn't think they had a crush or think they thought I had a crush on them. confused? yeaaah. crushlink can piss me off, but hey, today I learned it really does tell you eventually if you guess right, so that's a good thing!
By the way, all this comes down to the fact that Will is my crushlink buddy, hee!!! now H.G. says we're fated. ;)
I finished Sputnik Sweetheart Tuesday afternoon. I shed a few tears towards the end. I mentioned this on Centralbooking in the discussion. not a Murakami novel goes by without some tears. maybe I'm just overly emotional. someone brought up an interesting point about this book that I didn't see at first (I guess this is the good of discussion!) ....all the characters have double sides of themselves; like the narrator reflected his thoughts into that little boy Carrot, Miu was the white haired nonsexual character and the dark haired more free one on the other side she can't reach, Sumire wanted to split herself as well. her life with Miu and her writing life. she crossed the other side to be with the other Miu is what is figured. this is a very complex little book. alot was stuffed into it for so little amount of pages. I still felt the same emotion that I do with the others; that "completely immersed" feeling; that I'm right there feeling what the character feels. another thing is that it hits close to home abit....I always fear losing people and living my life alone feeling that loss all the time; a shell of my former self. not entirely there ...I shed a few tears once the ending pages came upon me - when he saw Miu in her car on his way to somewhere else and she didn't see him. it's just the way these scenes are described - like flowing prose - I nod my head along to all of it with a few tears streaming down my face. am I emotional or what? can ya tell it's almost that "time"?
Oh yeah, it was Halloween. I did a good job of ignoring it since hardly any kids live around here that I see and the small ones probably don't go trick or treating anyway cause of the whole "candy from strangers" and "anthrax" bit now. there was always the fear of candy from strangers....
The doorbell might've rang once, but mom didn't hear it cause she was on the phone with dad. I heard it, but ignored it figuring mom would [sic]get rid of em. they must've went away eventually since there wasn't any further knocking all night.
I ate a pizza and spoke to Will. it was nice talking to him about the Shaun "problem" and other intriguing things. I better watch what I say though since he said he read a few of my back entries ^^;;;;
Oh yesss, let's go have some innocent sex in a phonebooth ^^
there's some excitement. rah! I'm in a funny mood.
So, Halloween has come and gone. now November is upon us and therefore holiday season. maybe it's time to start anew.
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