Today was going okay up until tonight. I finally burned that mix I kept talking about; the one for lindsey. well, the thing refuses to play track four (a song I really wanted on the mix damnit!!!), track thirteen skips (it skips throughout the whole song!) and a few other songs skip too. FUCK ME!!! as you can see, I'm frustrated as all get out. yet I refuse to redo it cause I'm so fucking tired and about ready to cry or curse and I don't want to waste another disk. damn that was a run on...running and running away.

Another Lovely Goddamn Day
11:55 PM CST

Yesterday was dad's birthday. I didn't give him an e-card cause I forgot after I kept saying I would. ah well; I'm sure he's perfectly okay with that anyway. I had spoken to him on saturday, so who cares? the brunch didn't happen as planned simply cause he had to golf and decided a birthday dinner would be better and since he paid the night before (they went to the colleseum - our old hang out spot friday nights - and spent THREE HOURS there and dad finished off two carafs of wine), she shall pay that night. they went to Red Lobster. I didn't want to go cause I was sad and lonely. bah! I should've went, but whatever.

I'm actually glad I didn't go though cause I had the urge to call someone, so I'd be less alone and I needed cheering up. I tried André first, but it just kept ringing and ringing. I hung up after three minutes of waiting - he had told me it would keep ringing if he didn't pick up cause there was no answering machine, so I expected this.

Since I had the sheet of paper out with Will's number on it, I decided I'd call him. for some reason, I felt he'd be surprised and think he was "special" cause I never call anyone. forget the fact that I tried to call André first; I sort've figured he wouldn't be there. he did cheer me up though. we ended up talking for about an hour and a half or so. we talked the most about high school gym class as a matter of fact. that was odd; I don't even know how we got on that topic, but it seems topics just arise out of thin air. yeah, that's it. anyway, I told my stories of being cursed by flying balls (basketballs, volleyballs, etc). he mentioned dodge ball (which I haven't played since elementary school) and how they'd throw volleyballs. interesting...heh.

The best story though was the home video/subtitle one. his friend had made a home video of himself jumping on the trampoline had erm, subtitles. he did some flips and ended up doing a backflip for which he fell off of the thing! next comes the crying of "mooom...I hurt myself.!!" blablabla then his mom yells at him and the subtitles come up. only the trampoline is in the shot; they're offcamera with subtitles. it ends with him saying "fuck you mom" or something of the sort. BWHAHAHAHAH!!! this story cheers me abit again. damn. just a good mental image.

Throughout the whole conversation I was grinning ...well practically. I did sort've get sad when mentioning shaun. it's cause lately I've been realising that if he visits and we have no chemistry, I'd feel so damn guilty. I had a dream saturday night/sunday morning. it really made me realise that I could feel nothing. of course, when I talk to him and think about him in daytime hours, I get a thrill and care about him in a way, but subconscious can't lie completely. I know I am confused to a large degree. I know I'm fucked up in terms of emotion, so I don't know what to make of it and I certainly don't want to cause conflict that isn't there. I just....I don't know. what if there is just no attraction in person? and then I'd lie to myself to have somebody care about me. that isn't the way I should all.

[edited out cause it wasn't very nice]


I need to go cry. I need clean pjs. I don't feel like doing laundry. I need a shower. I hate today. it all fell apart in two seconds.

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