I've been abit lazy all weekend. I was extremely bored on sunday. ate alot and sat refreshing sites for hours. nothing bigtime. the news was on in the background talking about bombing afghanistan and bringing food. eh. I'd rather not discuss it though. just makes me all confused and abit scared of what'll come from that. I'm also scared about the anthrax dilemma in Florida. how the fuck did that happen? apparently mom said the letter with the powder on it was sent before the attacks which makes it even weirder still. anyway, yeah, I was bored this past weekend.

Sluggish Repartee
10:51 PM CST

I did finish watching Utena!! yeaaah, yeah, so I didn't space it out too much. I still rather enjoyed it. two episodes on friday (as previously mentioned), three on saturday, and the last two on sunday. I can say it was excellent! the best I've seen since I finished off Lain. now, as you can imagine, I want volume two. I mean, Utena and Touga haven't really had any close scenes yet..heh heh! not that that's the only reason I want to see more or anything. he is quite smooooth. damn, yo! I got slightly teary eyed near the part where Utena beats that boy Mickey in the duel cause it cracked his garden memory in half. aw. I hope I'm not ruining anything here if y'all want to see it and haven't ^^

I'd say it's worth a purchase certainly. you won't be disappointed! I bought it without knowing much at all about it and enjoyed it immensely. anyone have any money? I neeeed volume two before volume one isn't fresh in my mind anymore. aw darn.


After not having spoken to shaun for a whole weekend, he called sunday night. I was abit surprised since the phone rang alot this weekend and they were hangups. I didn't pay attention after the billionth call of the day. mom had to call me to the phone in a hurry cause I was immersed in reading something online.

It was quite nice to hear his voice again since it had been awhile. basically he told me in the next week he was thinking he could visit. this makes me both excited and abit nervous all at once. for one, I am in a state of bad emotion lately due to almost falling off the roof (it just won't happen, damnit! just fall! damnit! fallll!) and I'm afraid me as I look now isn't quite good enough. he keeps reminding me he'll always feel the same, but I just don't know. I get self conscious waaay too often. my weight, my complexion, my hair, my basic overall look just gets to me at times. I examine myself in the mirror over and over again. up close I feel I look like the devil revisited...ugh. this might just be me, but my pores look too big. I need some of that formula that is supposed to lessen them. I seem like one of those snobby people when I say this, but you've got to understand, I strive for perfection. I like to leave lasting good first impressions. this seems to cause me great stress and for my immune system to fall apart. I'm trying to calm myself though before it gets to the point where abit of cream won't fix the problem.

Thinking about this and him still seems quite incredulous. I still can't believe I have a real relationship; I've always had dream ones; made up ones... ones that I think are possible, but aren't. that is what I was always known for apparently. maybe that's why dad got terribly upset when on the phone that day. maybe the idea of me having anything real has him shocked ...that he can't seem to stop it by consistantly teasing me. I think that stopped me from pursuing Carlos (guy friend). I didn't want him to tease me about something if it really did happen. he already was doing it when I was just thinking about it. everyone knew I liked him. see? I dunno. dad hasn't been around to tease me lately and he didn't even know I was that serious I guess. he just came over that one day and mom told him who he was in the picture. that's all he knows. eh. I should cut dad some slack sometimes, but I just hate how he always is tearing me down and then trying to ressurect himself with fixing my bike or buying me a present and saying how he thinks I could certainly succeed in life. this doesn't fix things. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm no longer really angry with him, but he always irks me.


I got the new Bjork album Vespertine this afternoon sent by UPS! I was sooo happy since that's what I was waiting to arrive (and the book, of course) and I thought with the Columbus Day festivities, well, the mail wasn't coming so I'd have to wait till tomorrow. it was quite a surprise to see it on the floor when I got up (mom had brought it up).

I listened to the album in mom's room with my snack. got a water circle on the "side table" (it's not really big enough for a table) from my glass which I poured too much ice in. I sat there in silence (no singing) and just breathed in the music. I always seem to close my eyes at intervals so the music comes to me faster instead of letting outside annoyances in. I did hear the passing of cars and people outside abit against the wind; rustling of the trees - this didn't break my concentration.

My favourite songs are "Cocoon", "Undo" (the one Tim sent a clip of him doing! hee! it was good too; somehow I could sort've hear him singing along in my head when that song came on...I was all "this sounds familiar...hmm..ooooh!" instant recognition!), "Pagan Poetry", "Heirloom", and "Unision" ...I listened a few times afterwards when I got online later.

I do agree I needed that break of musical meditation in my day though I'm very tense as of right now for some convoluted reason.


And I still wonder how it's like to kiss without the stickiness of sweets....


  • Happy two month day (me and shaun started talking on August eighth) I almost forgot!
  • shaun's and lindsey's bdays coming up....woo! I wish I had more than chump change to spend.
  • need to finish Will's mix cd, so he can possibly come over this coming weekend ...eckeck.

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