I cannot stop from yawning (I yawn and yawn till tears pour from my eyes from exerting myself; plus the onset of allergens), my head is filled with a migraine, my scalp burns (who the hell knows), my muscles ache and I wonder what the hell happened. I was feeling rather down last night, but was instantly (well depending on how ya look at it) cheered up. I went to bed calmer and without that emptiness inside. I'm not sure what has occured today that is making all go to hell..it seems I can never be mentally and phsyically okay for too long.

Yawning Till You Cry
07:27 PM CST

He told me I would dream of him and likewise, I didn't... o_O
I dreamt that I had turned into
prol and I or well, she was in bed cause she was ill; the room was dim and the hallway light was on illuminating some picture of a family that seemed to be from the 1800's. this maid came in and asked if she wanted anything. she said she didn't cause she couldn't get that misleading FOX show out of her head or mine? anyway, there's a flashback to the show; it was Michael J. Fox in the jungle and the director was sitting in a chair with a megaphone on a patch of grass off to the side. this hippo lunged at M.J.F. (oh great, "Married Friend" reference allll over again but maybe it's liiike "Mutha jivin' fucker! coo') and threw him across the murky pond. his shoulder was bleeding and I was mortified! suddenly the director got up and yelled something into his megaphone. something like "get him off the set! things'll be okay!" and M.J.F. did get up and I woke up at least knowing he was okay. weiiird.

I guess I should say "sorry shaun!! eeeek!!" I shouldn't have been reading prolific before bed...who knows where the M.J.F. reference came from; possibly hearing he'd be returning to Spin City soon.


---

I keep on getting into stressful arguments about shaun lately with mom...and now dad after this evening. it's just unnerving. dad knows nothing really. I just told dad that he possibly would be visiting soon and he said, "is mom okay with that?" and I said, "well, I dunno." "just as long as she's there when he visits, that's okay." and I was like, "yeah, but he won't be staying at our house..." and then dad was all confused. he hadn't remembered that shaun doesn't live in this city so it's not like he comes over and then leaves to go home. that's when dad started yelling in my ear. I was shaken up.

He started in on me with "NO! You tell him not to! don't be so selfish..." and then I said, "this doesn't concern you anyway. I don't know why I brought it up." and then he said, "damn right it involves us...you don't go accepting gifts or they'll want something back....you just talk to him...nothing else..." and I said "you don't understand at all....it's not like that..." and he was like, "well, you may have feelings for whoever this is but you don't know him. let it go. tell him not to spend that money and let it go...I understand not many people visit, but that's just selfish."

This angered me profusely. dad angers me and he wonders why I don't tell him anything. the word 'selfish' ...I'm not fucking selfish. if I was selfish, I wouldn't have been giving to people all the time even when I have no money, and I sure as hell wouldn't care about anyone's feelings. maybe I've been selfish before, but I don't feel like I'm being selfish now. and plus, it's his decision. or more like 'our' decision. I don't know. I'm usually honest about things, but I can't be when I'm not given time to explain. I'm just completely unnerved. at least mom talks in a rational manner about this though it still makes me breathe deeply since I don't have an answer to give her. I shouldn't talk to dad about this again either.


---

So, I'm about to make Starcat's mix tonight. hopefully that'll get my mind off my seering migraine and my sore muscles. I think it's my bed and my sleeping habits. I need to start changing it, but each time I say that, something comes up that prevents sleep. go figure. anyway, I have it all out in my head and hopefully she'll like it! ^_^ I need a distraction tonight.


---

I said "rabbit! rabbit!" last night at midnight; I haven't done it at exactly that time in awhile. I switched the calendars to the new month and said it in my head. good luck should be bestowed upon me and maybe I won't have to worry about them anymore.

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