Yaugh! the 'tab' key isn't working at all today and I kept pressing it by reflex, so the solitaire window pops up. don't ask cause even I have yet to understand what that means. the 'tab' key likes to upset me immensely on a daily basis. sometimes work. sometimes no work. makes me saaad. in other news, I talked on the phone from 1:30-4am last night. is that even possible? is that a record? I'm beyond shocked at how long I could possibly talk.

Let the Party Commence yet Again!
09:34 PM CST

Yes, ya see, I was looking for images I could use as avatars for my new forum (more on that in a second) and Will came online. about the first thing he said was "can I call you?" and I said "as long as I can create an 'away' message real quick..." cause I didn't want shaun worrying (which he still did...) almost as soon as I was done and it was up, I hear the phone ring. mom groggily tries to sit up in her bed and I tell her, "oh, it's just Will!" and jog downstairs before I can see if she's stopped trying to move. intensity damnit!

I think I moved around the kitchen a total of a billion times at this point. stairs, side area where shoes are where a shoe poked me in the ass, floor, leaned against doorway, tried to hop on counter and failed, and in dining room chair with cord wrapped around the wall. you have to imagine how long we were talking here!! no way I can sit still that long I'm afraid. I mean, I sit at the computer just fine, but for some reason, the phone is different.

We related stories and at a few points, the same stories from the last time popped up. I kept sayin' "déja vuuu! déjaaaa vuuu!!" I think it was his 'stoner' friends story and the cussing story that were repeated. nothing wrong with abit of repeating I guess...in case I forgot! I mean, really now! I still find it odd that I feel I can say whatever and however to anything. I don't cuss at all when on the phone with others beyond the words 'hell', 'ass', and 'damn' ...sometimes I'll say 'bastard' if I'm really upset. anyway, I said 'fuck' again. I mean, it was part of the story, lemme tell ya. like the part where we were talking about accents such as british/scottish/irish and I said "bloody fockin' hell!" (cause that's how it's saiiid) oh yes and "bugger off" to you me lad.

Uh huh...around 3:11am is when 1-800-SEX-LINE (I made that number up...or did I??) hour began...heh heh. no, it's not like I decided, "it's time for kinky talk nooow!" but at one point when it got abit tooo personal it was like "um, we should stop..." "yeeaaah this is weiiird..." "tooo muchhh infooormaaation!" can there ever be too much information?? I think of the now extinct squishettes (it's so saaad, y'all! I mean, even the splash page is gooone :\ I gotta take it off my links list soon. that'll be the day...) and how nothing was ever TMFI! hah! well, oookaaay I guess talking about masturbation and kinky dreams goes on the borderline though. I mean, I'm comfortable discussing, but not like in detail. I'll say I do it or what I did it with or where, but not how. nevah evah evah hooow! *grin*

Anyway, it's not like it was completely pornographic, but I mean, it was openly talking like they would on loveline! yesss loveline! I so miss that show...I wonder when it stopped airing on MTV. I haven't seen it at least. I miss adam corolla and dr. drew. hee!


well, so, we were talking openly which I don't usually get the chance to do cause mom hates even the mention of the words 'kiss' or 'relationship' out of my mouth. I mean, I understand no parent wants to hear anything like that from their kid so they can keep pretending you're five, but I still feel bad cause we act like friends in every other sense...such as, looking at clothes in catalogs and ooohing and aaahing over them, listening to music and being asses, discussing the day's soap opera, looking at makeup, looking at websites and reading things outloud that are hilarious, etc. it just seems weird to censor myself after the bonding is there...cause when I'm sad cause I'm lonely or whatever I can't tell her what's wrong or she'll go 'umm...just stop....I don't want to know" blah.

Todays conversation (paraphrased):
Me: me and Will discussed how I used to try to get Carlos (three year crush on friend guy) to like me
Mom: oh, that's nice
Me: yeaah, so sad so sad
Mom: well, it was better with him just hanging out ...you know how he was
Me: yep. still, eh, if I had had the opportunity, I wouldn't be so innocent
Mom: what?!? what do you mean?
Me: I mean, in terms of kissing or holding hands. I was all for that. I'd go for that.
Mom: *sniffs*
Me: eh...
Mom: I....I...don't want to know. you should worry about going outside. not this other stuff.
Me: I guess, but still would like to have more experience. I guess I shouldn't be telling you though since you'd rather I sit in the corner and not think about it.
Mom: I didn't say that.

um, yeah, that's how it went. I'm not sure....I don't know why I bring this stuff up, but it's not like I'm outright giving TMI which some people do around anyone. I know what to say and not to say, but it was just something on my mind and she asked (maybe what I was up to over there..hah! close enough...). I always say abit too much in general, but around mom, I don't cuss (evah evah!!) and I don't mention certain words; I phrase it correctly so it just seems like I'm pondering, not outright telling anything. I should just shut the fuck up though. this could turn into the porn entry alllll over again! no, no, nothing could be worse than that.


Me and Will got off the phone at 4:11am talking about japanese takeout or something...tempura..? um, so, with that we decided it was getting late (yeah, hah!) and that was the end.

Shaun was worried it seemed. I hadn't thought that he might not check the away message. he sent like seven messages this time. I hate worrying him, but I also hate having to sign online again, so I leave it on when I leave the room. I figured he'd know I was on the phone since Will had fallen asleep last night so therefore the conversation was moved to the next day! yes! ah well. I guess not everyone can be psychic or intuitive.

He seems to want me to go to this anime expo thing july5-8 (of next year people!!!). I'm not sure...it sounds like fun, but knowing me, could I just off and go like that? maybe right now isn't the time to be thinking about it though since we haven't even met. I keep thinking what if by then something happens, ya know? something that makes him change his mind. he says he won't, but I still wonder. I sometimes wonder if I think things through alot of the time. I mean, of course, I just want to be with him, buuut what if it's a lost cause and we never ever have something stable; it's always just visits. I guess I think too much. I start to wonder if he'll even be able to stand my panic. it's a thing I can't control and it worries me that he might not understand the intensity of the situation. he says he loves me and if it's a part of me, he will accept it. I just wonder....sometimes even family can hardly accept my problem...and neither can I! heh. I guess enough serious. serious can be a bad thing if I delve too much into it. it would be cool to dress up or to see others dressed up! that always seemed really cool! the only time I dressed up was at Dicken's on the Strande and I was a slave. my friend was a rich maiden or something. she got to carry a parasol and wear a dress with wire under it...lovely! I had "dirt" (aka makeup) on my face and a hole in the leg of my jeans and err suspenders? hah! I looked like hell and I didn't shave my legs so I'd look even more beaten down...such a tragic lookin' me...I even pouted alot! see! I was coool! the guy for the costume contest had said I needed more dirt and to black out some of my teeth though and we left...eh.


About the forum, well, I downloaded ikonboard and am currently searching for new images to use instead of their crapass ones. this is tough work if you want it to be customised that's for sure. I haven't even decided on the layout or the main graphic yet. I just know I want my own forum. and my own mods. and my own community of sorts. this should be fun if I can stick with it and not give up so easily. I do when things get hard. I almost gave up on this site until an inspired idea came into my head and I wouldn't let up until it was complete. I mean, I did a ton of trial and error and didn't get up for days from this chair. afternoon till late at night, I typed till my fingers were sore. I'm dedicated once I get an idea. I just don't have one yet for this forum besides the topics and a few avatars I saved. if anyone wants to be a mod or wants to contribute an avatar to the collection, feel free to send off an email! I'm thinking maybe possibly this could make the ending of squishettes abit easier for me. I go to other forums, but having one of my own would be fantastic. I always wanted my own forum, but didn't want to pay massive amounts of money like infopop and ubb seems to charge. this forum won't be high tech, but it'll be postable (is that a word?) and full of joy if you participate...all of you! I'm talkin' to you too!


Oh yes, look at Will's submission to the mirrorproject! awww! I submitted back in May..I should do another mirror shot sometime soon. maybe when I look better, eh? I looked okay last night - fluffy hair! damnit! I could've taken one in the door reflection. that looked like a good experimental shot. maybe another day indeed. and I'll turn the light on for you when you go...

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Ooh! A new forum. Fun! Make sure there's a Cabbit in the avatars and you can count me in, especially since Squishettes is dead. Esper, CB and Sephira just don't cut it.

Ooh! and I could be a kinda part-time (I don't seem to be online so much these days) mod too. Could I? Purrrlease.

*Gets overexcited over nothing*

Ooh! Mirror project. I'm always snapping myself in mirrors (don't ask) - I'll have to renember that.

- 09.25.2001 08:06 AM - Mouse


(Hoo! because I was going to do my own forum once upon a time.)

- 09.25.2001 08:54 AM - Mouse


hee! yaaay one excited person! :)

and of course, you could be a mod...I'll email you the forum before it opens then (when it's somewhat done) so you can sign up before everyone (um except for lindsey...she already signed up).

oh and consider it done with the cabbit. I'm going to make sure there's plenty of tenchi! heh heh.

and yeaah, I've been talking about doing a forum for a few years..it's about time! ...well, I did have a Greenspun, but I don't count that one as much.

- 09.25.2001 08:23 PM - Amber


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