Jumbled thoughts never help the process, do they? I'm wondering if I can even be normal in this time; I mean, when I laugh and smile cause I am feeling okay again, does it make me a bad person? does it make me look spiteful since others are still mourning yet I seem to be grinning at the sky cause the sun might be shining too bright?

A Dream is but a Dream
07:06 PM CST

I have had weird dreams as of late. it must be the lack of anything but news on tv...who knows. I sleep weirdly. I get exhausted and pass out and fall in and out of sleep till around 1pm. a dream lands itself inbetween the rubble. usually something quite odd like last night/this morning. I was in this big house or warehouse. it was the corner by this window and it was dark; there was a couch there. I kneeled beside it and I had this chocolate brownie wrapped in this wrapper. the guy next to me gave me two of them. I sat there and took a few bites. I realised it made me feel floaty. I looked at the guy standing beside me; he was holding this rolled up poster and had this bag tied across his chest sort've casually. he wore this button down shirt, but it was opened with a t-shirt underneath and sleeves rolled up. he had longish hair and glasses. he stopped in his place and started shaking violently and turning red. he moaned and almost collapsed in a bright red sunburnesque bundle. the guy who had handed me the brownie looked at me conspicuously as I chewed. I asked if there was "pineapple" in this. he said there was and looked at me solemnly. I realised that guy who collapsed had had the same thing and I began to panic and started seeing things...I looked out in front of me and at the half eaten brownie I held. my hands shook and I dropped it.

Soon after that, this girl came into the warehouse and it was raining outside. she held a card with happy cheerful stars and rainbows on it (don't ask, eh?). she was abit chunky and had long dull brown hair ...wore some retarded looking outfit. she told me shaun was hiding in a shelter from the storm and if I wanted to write something ..... I took the card out of her hand and kneeled back at the couch and began to write a paragraph. I told her I'd write something for her too so as not to seem selfish for writing so much in her card (whatever; whoever the hell she was). I felt abit worried and kept imagining him trapped in there forever then lightning struck and I handed her back the card. things were quiet then and I came out of it. I wrote about the other dream at the livejournal. um, my subconscious mind must still be stuck on tragic mode from the bombarding of news day and night.


---

At this point, I seem to be coming out of it. out of shock mode possibly. I can now think back to what's important in my own life right now. is that a bad thing? I certainly haven't forgotten how to eat; haha. in fact, I've been eating too much lately due to boredom. almost a whole bag of chips in one day, half a bag of fudge cookies, apple dumplings, reeses cups, plus dinner and such. tons to drink too. I've never been like this before...I mean, I'd nibble here and there but not to this quantity. I feel full as of right now, but no gaining weight.

I must add that the apple dumplings are such a treat! I forgot how much I liked that flaky, cinammon-y apple-y goodness. I take my fork and I eat the apple bits first with bits of the inner core of the pastry and leave the flaky crunchy outside for last. it's a delicacy ...sticky apple doused pastry stuck to my fingers afterwards from holding the thing down.


---

I'm holding off on eBay, on the otherhand. one thing I can't fuck up again is business. spending money to list is silly when I know probably in light of the tragedy, people won't want to be buying old clothes and earrings (well, maybe some would, but who knows). coincidence that the earrings closed on the eleventh. they still got eight bids, but only got up to $23.00. no one emailed to strike a deal or ask what the reserve was...hah! oh well.

Now I'm about to not believe that horoscope that said my financial status in September would improve. it certainly isn't now! I guess there was semi-hope for the price to rise on those earrings and sell them, but did it? nope! the magic eight ball said they'd sell sometime; that sometime could be a billion years from now though and I could've already spent the value of it in listing fees! I should've been more specific, eh?

The pantry is filled with videos and other merchandise. mom's in business again! hah! when the pantry holds more inanimate objects than food, you should start to worry, right?

Mom's joined Bally's (the gym) again. now her foot hurts and she can barely walk. I say she shouldn't try to walk on it so much. I know that when I twisted my ankle and fell down the stairs that time, I hardly moved for two weeks and when I did, I got help. I think she's hoping too much for a fast recovery which isn't always possible. I say just use heat on the foot and try not to budge for awhile. she's hopping up and downstairs and moving around complaining. uhh no one listens to me!! now, really, it'll take longer than a day or two and if she keeps going to the gym and doing the same thing that caused the pulled/sore muscle, well, it won't heal at all.


---

Grandma called the other day. I had a lovely chat with her about how my health is improving abit which it is! I mean, I don't panic as much even with the physical ailments. I used to panic to the point of making myself sick, but now I just sit and go 'hmm it'll pass' and put a smile on my face or I at least stay content in what I'm doing. this seems like a slight improvement and grandma was thrilled to actually speak to me with hype in my voice. sure, I have seemed happy to talk before, but always with a lilt of sadness somewhere.

She told me that she was happy I was being more social though I still won't leave the house that often. I mean, I used to hate the phone; wouldn't use it. now I let people call me. before I'd have an excuse such as it's not in my room or I'm not allowed which is silly since it's not like I'm some little kid who is told not to touch something! I even am comfortable talking for hours at certain points though at others I still am hesitant like if I feel bad or can't speak well. I know that when shaun calls, I smile and relax for some reason unknown to me. and Will, well, he is cool too. makes me laaauuugh.

Anyway, I always like having little chats with grandma. she's not like most grandmas that you just hold polite conversation with. I tell her all! I, of course, mentioned shaun and she said, "well, even if that doesn't develop into anything, it's just nice that it's helping you feel okay now. that's just wonderful. do tell me how things are going when I call again." she just seemed so pleased which is nice. usually she seems abit sad since nothing improves with me usually.


---

I can say I'm pretty enamored. if I didn't have love right now, who knows how I'd feel. I talk about him too much though. sometimes I try to not mention him just to see if I can do it. then I almost blank out since I realise that even when he's not around and I'm talking to others, I talk about him or at least subtlely mention there's something going on.

I talked to one of my cousins last night (one on dad's side of the family) since he was on icq and I was beyond bored. I was so happy to have someone to talk to since I wasn't ready to go to bed yet at 1:30am. we spoke about various things; anime, jobs, singing, bands, and well, duh, shaun. he did sort've bring it up, not me. then I couldn't shutup. he had said, "have any good news?" and I said, "good news?" and then he said, "last time you said you had been talking to a guy. ::wink wink nudge nudge::" and then I got into my monologue about it. basically I sounded sappy as fuck as I talked about all he had done for me so far; mentally and physically. how his words make me happy. we did go back to other discussion, but it always came back around again. at 4:30 he had to go and I went back to reading journals though.

No shaun last night. I was abit worried, but not too much so since I figured it was friday. just cause I don't go out on the weekend...well? I wasn't really waiting up anymore at that point, but I figured I'd keep reading till I came to a stopping point which was at the end of the august entries (yeah, I'm being vague on what journal I was reading, but I got caught all the way up today, so whatever..heh heh). it's different when I go to bed without talking to him, but I still fell asleep after getting to chapter 15 in my book (yes, still the Bill Bryson one; when will it ever end?? haha).


---

Yesterday was light a candle in rememberance day (day of peace and mourning); not sure if we did or not. I told mom to light one, but I doubt she did. one flag flies outside; just one.


---

My wrist hurts now and a bird flies over the horizon outside my window...alone.

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