What else is there to talk about? can anyone escape this? this thing that shouldn't have happened in the first place. I don't feel anger. no. I don't feel like getting revenge. I don't want a third world war to occur. I just feel sad. for all those that were hurt, those that had loss, the complete psychological horror of seeing that. imagine ....imagine being there in person. seeing it play out like a movie. it's enough seeing it fall a billion times on tv. at least there is space unlike if you were there and couldn't escape it.

Tragedy and Loss
10:54 PM CST

I woke up at 10am yesterday morning completely content. I mean, I listened to music, did my usual morning thing. then I sort've fell back asleep till around noon or one whence I turned on the tv since the soap opera usually begins around then. getting all prepared per usual. it took me a second to adjust when I saw it was the news. I figured maybe a local story or whatnot. who knows! at that moment I was like, "oh fuck...great...does that mean no soap opera??" then I realised it was bigger news than local...

It was more like a world wide event. seeing it happen, I didn't know what was going on. I sat there and watched for awhile and then like the restless one I am, I switched to Talk Soup to watch something more pleasant. it makes me abit ill to think that I could turn away cause I can't deal with it when I'm not even a part of it really! I'm laying safely in my bed while they can't turn it off if they wanted to do so. sometimes I do get fucking selfish though; thinking things are okay cause no one I know was hurt but then when you hear the statistics; the death count; all the individual stories; it becomes more real.

This could've happened anytime. in fact, some say it's been bound to happen for years. this has been building up probably since the Oklahoma bombing. I barely recall that even. I was sort've too young; I do recall I had stayed home from school cause I was sick and was watching the news though. I didn't care. well, what do ya expect from a kid? just shrug and grab another cookie and a kleenex. so, as I was sayin', this probably was planned out at least over months or maybe even years! I heard two of these terrorists might have even taken flying lessons in Florida. there are no cold hard facts here though. this is supposedly what makes it different from other disasters. these people cannot be found. there is suspicion of certain foreigners in other states in rental cars who have papers with arabic writing on them. they could be accomplices, they could've been a part of it somehow in the planning. who the hell knows...it's just sick is all. all of this is just wrong ...why did they do it?

One day things are completely safe (or so we think) and the next day we question everything and nothing is the same again. we won't feel as safe anymore even with the extra security. if they can do it once, they could certainly do it again. this makes me never want to board a plane again and I've been flying since I was a baby. I never ever considered such a thing ...I'd worry that I'd throw up from air sickness or the plane would crash of natural disaster like a storm, but never did I think about the possibility of hijackings even with the extra caution about bombs in luggage and such. I just thought of it all as procedure but everyone was an innocent. nothing going down; no one is suspicious. and they probably didn't look suspicious until it was too late, right? when they suddenly yelled out orders and took over, huh? I heard one son called his mom in California on his cell phone and said the plane had been hijacked. such a tragedy.

I also feel horribly bad for those in New York and D.C. who saw the planes crash. my heart goes out to them...it feels heavy and twisted whenever I view the looks on their faces ...as the towers collapse. I've seen it so many times the past couple days. I finally turned away awhile ago. some things are just too much for my mind to comprehend. I still don't believe it happened. and I still repeat that if there was something that could've been done, it shouldn't have happened.

I hope this is certainly the end. that a war doesn't start up because people want revenge ....that things can go back to normal in at least the next week or start to ....abit of peace. I know for the families who have lost someone, this cannot occur, but I mean, no more attacks. there has been enough already! this is said to be the worst attack since Pearl Harbor and at least we knew who our enemies were at that time!

Anyway, though I don't practice any religion, I still will pray for everyone. I already had a moment of silence today and I could almost feel things evening out. I hope they do.


---

Shaun called me today; I was worried about him since he didn't come online last night. I was heavy hearted enough and I felt I needed him here. especially after I heard sirens and this odd motorcycle noise outside the doorway when I went downstairs last night to get the phonebook (Atalia wanted to know if gas prices had risen and to look up a gas station; she figured if they did here, they would in Florida certainly; I did hear it rose to $5/gallon in some areas - sheesh!!). it felt like the vibrations and everything were coming right for the house. I froze in my footsteps at the bottom of the staircase as I saw those sirens blur into the stained glass. I thought this was it; whatever it was. after my moment of disorientation, the sirens sped away and the motorcycle went elsewhere. I let out a sigh and stood perfectly still with my head down for a few moments; my heart was beating out of my chest practically. I don't need to be scared when I'm home alone people!! I then headed upstairs with the book and was again calm; as calm as I was going to be.

So, anyway, he called today. I had went in mom's room for some reason; I forget. I sat on the bed and just put my head in my lap. I suddenly heard the phone ring and thought it might be dad since mom said if he called back to pick up. I waited for the message just in case it was a salesperson instead (who knows, right? don't want to deal with them today) and it turned out to be shaun! I smiled my first smile all day. I was extremely worried in general and hearing his voice was the best thing that could happen. we spoke for awhile about the events and what we'd heard. what had gone down. how he was worried about me and how I said I doubt they'd attack over here and that the security was upped and government buildings were closed. I said I was worried about him though since he didn't come online; and he said he couldn't find a way online and knew I'd be worried. mentioned how I had to stop watching the tv; I danced abit (I did, I mean, I twirled, stamped my feet, made myself dizzy, put my hands in the air and swayed till I couldn't take anymore) and he said he did some dance dance revolution. anything to escape the news, right? it was sort've cool. we both danced. yet apart. exciting!

I felt my heart melt when he said he wished he could've been here and he would take a bus if he didn't have to work. I don't know. that's what I needed to hear even if he couldn't be here. that he wanted to be. I closed my eyes slowly to that and let out a laugh. turn into my usual jokester self. and he said, "noooo hijacking! don't want that" and I said, "haha, nooo we don't!" it was just nice to joke around again after yesterday. it felt like yesterday lasted two billion years and somehow, I'm glad that that day is over and I pray that we can right ourselves again. that we won't fall down.

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