Words Across Your Mind Like a Scroll
11:30 PM CST
Salvage it to say, the rest of my well being is doing well. yesterday I was abit shattered in that dept. like having your stomach in your throat...in knots....a deep wound. I'm too dramatic for it to be a good thing, but that's how I felt for half the day. is there a time when drama doesn't hit with me? it's mostly a misunderstanding...I'm just not used to this type of relationship at all...yet. I worry and I pace back and forth over feelings and thoughts and whether it's good or not. finding a sliver of doubt hidden away that I must puncture. that's why I read his email.
I still feel massively bad about doing so, but it has been resolved. I'm only bringing it up since it was a big deal at the time and it's good to scribble things down, so as not to repeat the sin again. HAH! like I can not do it again, but at least not for awhile or if I don't suspect something. I gave him my password..I figure that way if he suspects something with me then he can check if he wants. from what I've learned from watching shows and reading books is that it's all about equality. ya have to both be on equal terms. I think I set it straight, so my mind is at rest. I can't believe there still is a relationship though. usually once I break trust like that just cause of my unsettled mind, I cause a wound hard to mend. I find it hard to get relationships back once they go bad. I was afraid, but he proved me wrong. that makes me overjoyed :)
He even wrote in his journal about this misunderstanding and it made me smile. it was good to read that; to know we can work through things and maybe I do need to chill at times. I'm trying ....learning is half the battle!
Well, about an hour ago, he called and mom picked up the phone (I didn't hear the answering machine go off). she said it went like this, "hello?" "hello?" "hello?" "is Amber there?" hah! it's funny mom didn't ask who was calling. I was all confused for maybe two seconds. it was a nice surprise though my throat was killing me, so I wasn't all the way there. at least I didn't cause any musical diversions this time. it made it hard to hear what he was sayin' with that racket all in my ear!! he did ask me to sing to him [sounds like it would be in some movie; maybe it should be! it would be called The Phone Call of Music! ...no, no, that's trite]. I rattled out a few notes from some songs, but sort've in a mocking monotone voice. hell if I can carry a tune without the music surrounding me. I'm taken in with a passionate urge to sing once I hear the first notes carried out from the speakers. the surrounding vibration of it against my skin! the exhilaration of knowing all the words and wanting to get out of control....then I stop gasping for breath like I just ran a marathon. you can say singing doesn't come to me first. it's the music, the beat, the vibration and then the singing wants to arise. I sound really confusing when I even try to remember any lyrics with a silence in the air. it's like I feel nothing.
Anyway, he asked me to find the music in my head or something [more of the movie dialogue playing out....] and then later I asked if he could sing in oh so many words ....that's what I thought. hee! I've always wanted to be sung to though. I mean, I'm always the one singing to others. to hear a song just for me would be rather inspiring to me. maybe someday.
So, I put the earrings up on eBay! who knows if they'll sell, but it's my last futile try. I added in the phrase "after labour day sale" ..oh yes, that'll get em a'biddin'! I was never good at selling my product right off. when I did get bids on everything I was selling once and there were bid wars over my things, it made me abit conceited like "yeah, that's right! I soooo ROCK!" then suddenly I try selling more after the initial succession and lose out. then I say, "drown me in a vat of water and do away with my ashes ...I so SUCK!" yes, yes, I become dramatic over business, over relationships, over life. get used to it. heh heh.
I almost fell asleep on the floor at around 5pm today. mom was making an order to the wholesale company she uses, so she can sell more things on eBay. I waited patiently watching cartoons and whatnot. nothing too important. all of the sudden I just put my arm over my face and just closed my eyes. it burned too, and I felt a slight warmth come over me. suddenly I just about fell limp there and was disoriented. I kept opening my eyes every so often and looking out the window at the sky. there was a big black cloud covering the blue sky and sometimes the sun would flash through when the clouds would part. I kept staring and then closing my eyes over and over again like a silent mantra.
Suddenly, during one of my many daydreams, I started seeing lyrics forming in my head to a tune I didn't know. I had no idea what this song was, but I knew it. the words came down like you're scrolling through it on a website or they're falling down across a dead movie screen once people start to get up and leave. it was like that. in complete blackness, white letters formed. all I remember were the last two surprisingly, "they're here." ....spooky, eh?
The rest of my day was filled with collecting more songs for the mix cd I'm making for Tim (he should just go on the cast list...too lazy to link...haha). I finished the setlist completely and have every song I need. now I just need to find cover art and burn the disk. it is such a complete mix, I smile with sincere conceitedness that I will be told I r0x0rz!!!! I learn it from André, I do. he should just be my therapist. all ya need to do is say you rock enough, and suddenly triumph is yours! hee! I'm going crazy!
The mix is completely mixed up with electronic/indie/emo/punk. some of it is sappy or sad, but most of it reminds me of hallucination and being free. I sound like I've been smoking something in the back room, right? right. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm on some natural hiiigh. the good thing is that it's done, right? not the mechanics of it. all ya need to know is that you'll be bowing to me. I feel proud and I haven't even listened to it in the order I set it. I just have a knowing watchful eye that tells me it's good. the title? The Silence and The Darkness ...I must google some night photography ....I must make it eery as fuck or else I won't get the point across! that's always the fun part. the artwork.
And So, I conclude here. I'm feeling slightly drugged and concentrating on sound ....the ones in my mind as shaun told me to search ...*giggles*
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I'm glad to see that my accelerated Rockitude™ is rubbing off on you. Besides, it's a forgone conclusion that you rock. After all, you're friends with ME! That alone is evidence of immense merit. 8)
12:51 AM - André, Man of Destiny
is it coincidence or what that I clicked on the entry before it said there was a sinner. heh heh.
that's just funny...like magic your message appears!
oh yeah, I'm downloading staind - outside ..as of right now. it's not going on the mix or anything, but I realised I didn't have it. hehe.
12:55 AM - Amber
Working on your personal sound track maybe? Everyone who rocks at an advanced level should have one.
12:58 AM - André, Man of Destiny
I just noticed that when I made my first post, thsi page called me a sinner. Them Ms. Amberita La Bandita posts and it calls her a follower. It worked that way on the other entries too. Why do I always have to be the sinner? I'm innocent I tells ya! I even recommended not ordering a Cherry Pop just yet! 8(
01:08 AM - André, Man of Innocence
whoops...hehe. I was setting up the Easy CD Creator!!
and setting up my personal soundtrack? perhaps! I want to burn myself one one of these days again; usually I'm just making them for others...as of late.
and um, it says you are a sinner cause you are tempted to post....the others who post afterwards weren't thinking of posting till the first initial post! heh heh. I'm so creative right? mostly people just write 'comment' and 'comments'...I had to be different :P
01:14 AM - Amber
That's the exact theory I mentioned in one of my e-mails! Agreeing with me makes you rock even more! ~LOL~
Well, I have to go fix some PC probs for one of my cousins tomorrows, so I'd better hit the hay. G'Nite Bandita!
01:24 AM - André, Man of Destiny
heh. what? the sinner/follower theory was in one of your emails? better read up! or were you talking about personal soundtracks? hehehe.
okay, well, g'night! no late night for youus tonight!
01:25 AM - Amber
after rereading this entry, I just felt I should say I'm not being a hypocrite here with the 'password' rant I went on about in another entry by then outwardly giving him the password a week or so later. hah!
no, I changed the password to something else ..that was the only reason I was hesitating before; I wasn't sure if I should. this sort've made my decision complete ...to make myself feel better for sinning. hehe.
08:24 PM - Amber