09:40 PM CST
I've been numbing it with orajel since sunday morning. eating my food on only the right side. watch me get another cavity over there! I mean, it already looks like it's forming slowly but surely. if mom finds me a dentist soon, I'll make sure they fill em all. get the shit over with! I don't ever want to go to a dentist again after these are taken care of for sure. I haven't been to one since I was three and a gang of boys stampeded across the mall. I was trying to walk next to my stroller next to mom and I strayed away. the boys came stomping in a crowd, towards me. I wasn't fast enough. they trampled all over me and I tried to get up and was pushed down again, on my teeth. I almost lost all my front teeth thanks to that. they grew in crooked and have been eccentric looking ever since.
I don't remember the dentist's visit that well that time. I just remember the chair I leaned back in and mom holding my teeth to my gumline, so I wouldn't lose them. it was a traumatising experience I could tell. I don't remember the pain though. I just knew I didn't want to go back to a dentist. repressed memories like the source of all my other fears? probably.
I don't go out often. everyone knows this about me. of course, I can't let the tooth rot until it falls out and I'm all ghetto! it's hard enough living with the pain right now. it would probably take awhile for it to fall out or something and I wouldn't want to see that shit happen. I'm about hyperventilating about this. it's a tough issue. go out for the first time in months in a car, to a place I've despised since I was three even when I didn't have problems going on an outing? I mean, something really traumatising when the thought of going out without the promises of pain are bad enough. I can't even bear the thought practically. mom asked one dentist about the chance of me freaking out; sedating me. apparently they said I'd have to find a specialist. they don't want to deal with anyone freaking out. this doesn't make me feel any better...
I just want the tooth filled to stop the pain. I don't want to do any death defying shit such as this! I mean, this is a big step I'm not ready for and my tooth is telling me I'm ready or else it'll keep stabbing pain into my jaw till I can't stand it. till I might want to die anyway. I think I will allow mom to schedule me an appointment this week. I don't know how many times I can numb it before I become immune and it's not enough anymore.
I still eat tons of junk! I had chocochip eggos, bistro chips, eggs/potatoes/piece of italian bread, and maybe even cookies later! wtf am I trying to do? murder my poor tooth? I mean, eating on one side is just a bad idea and I can't help putting food on the other side once I've chewed it to balance out the spectrum. I can tell it's suffering each time I stick something in it. I even still have my hard candy vitamin c drops. I mean, they're like hard candy! that's probably what caused the cavity in the first place. I guess I can't complain. it was probably building up for years even despite the fact that I brush daily.
At least Shaun is still here for me. he suddenly makes me forget about my pain for at least abit of the day. it's nice to have him here or I'd go crazy with all this pain on my own. it's like someone's helping balance out the thought patterns; what's important to panic about; if that makes sense that is. I mean, I had an intense pain in my side last night for no apparent reason. it stayed there for three straight hours and then he came online and the intense pain completely disappeared. I mean, no asking, no waiting...it was gone! I suspect it's cause I feel something within me that knows I'll be okay as long as he's there.
Last night he told me he loved only me. this was something really intense-like. I mean, I can't decipher someone only wanting me of all people. even I have loved but loved others too or at least strayed my train of thought once in awhile. I feel completely unspeakable when I think he could love me that much without seeing me first. I do want to see him though very much so. I want to feel him next to me instead of just in my mind and on the screen. I think that's a rational thought when someone is your boyfriend, you want to see them. I just get worried cause of past long distance relationships. I feel if enough time goes by before we meet, it'll never happen. I have to keep on being reassured. sometimes I cry that they're all just pretty words and I'll wake up alone.
Ice clinking in this glass, I take another painful sip of my drink and ponder what I have to do.
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