My heart pounds and I rub my hands through my hair like I don't know what to do. shakily, the strands of hair get caught between my fingers. I wish it would look pretty all the time. maybe I'll have to go to a salon soon. I haven't been to one in a year or so. I'm always afraid to even touch my hair once it's been "done" cause well, I'll ruin it with my masochistic fingertips and nails of horror. the clamminess sticks to it and it's ruined. no longer pure. now full of hate. things never are perfect forever.

I'm gonna get famous, just so that I can get sued
06:47 PM CST

I told myself I was going to post this:

It's me and Will talking about Husband Guy (H.G.) and how maybe he'd be better off with another acronym so as not to be confusing to others as who he is:


Will says:
or M.F.
Will says:
that makes better sense
Starlight says:
what? motherfucker? huh?
Will says:
lol nah
Will says:
married friend
Will says:
lol
Starlight says:
hahahaa

I laughed like hell over that one. apparently I am ghetto for not guessing married friend...hee! I almost typed 'fiend' ...damn me and my ghetto-ness. it even carries on precariously. whoooosh-shaaaa! (picture me kicking wimpily at ya)


On the note about acronyms. well, I said that MSN was screwing me and mom asked who that was. hah! I guess it's cause I call H.G. - duh, H.G., she thought it was a person. geeez. anyway, after she knew what it was, we came up with what it could stand for instead.


Mom: Monkey Stench No!
Me: Mildly Stealth Narcotics
Mom: Monkey ::mumble:: Shag...?
Me: ummm....shag doesn't start with an N!
Mom: I didn't finish
Me: *shrugs*
Mom: Monkey...Monkey...
Me: you're still going? ack!

What is it with monkeys anyway? everywhere, all I hear is monkey this monkey that. even mom is in on it! damn it all to hell, yo! there was more to that but I don't want to put ones down she may not have said. I forget; too bad we weren't talking on a messanger service and I'd still have it. bad thing, bad bad bad thing about talking in person, ya know? ^^


I had a bubble on my toe in the shower last night. it was enticing; like it just sat there all pretty and see-through - a slight rainbow glare and it was like it glowed and said hi! it reminded me of the song Hospital by Babybird. "I'm blowing bubbles through your veins...I'm blowing bubbles through your heart...will you need me...will you care..." I think that song is interesting. anyway, the bubble made me giggle and I just stomped my foot really hard and it evaporated. I didn't want to pop it.


Serious Talk:

Now, I had to get the funny funny out of the way and go with serious last cause ya know how it is. the prologue about the hair was a slight metaphor though I really do need a haircut.

I'm deathly afraid of things not being good for long. I want to believe in contentment and forever and all that. it seems mom doesn't agree. we had an argument today which brought down my mood and I almost burst into tears but I let it simmer and faced the wall and closed my eyes, so she wouldn't see the look I was portraying. I just kept thinking and thinking...what would make her let it go? she tells me I can't make my own "mistakes"....I don't call them mistakes. I call it learning if something badly unexpected happened. I don't want to think about bad things happening either. mom dashes my dreams with her protection. I watch my back. I know what I'm doing. I'm old enough to think for myself. she says if I don't live on my own and don't do for myself then I'm owned. I'm not my own person. I don't get happiness. I don't get to do what I want. I can just sit here and not live forever and ever basically is what she is saying. just cause I'm weak, I can't live on my own cause I don't know how to get a job and just cause I've been depressed half my life which is mostly thanks to dad and feeling all insecure ..well, so it's me who gets punished somemore? I don't think that's fair. I think I can do what I feel is right ....I felt quite good all night. elated even. I laughed and mom and me laughed at jokes. I was funnnny. I was giggly. maybe I should just not tell her anything personal...of course, I don't have many others to talk to about this sorta thing. I tell her cause I'm being truthful; not cause I want her to prevent whatever I'm sayin' ...she says if I met someone out in the real world, it would be different. she's getting to be like dad. I need to shutup. we're not on bad terms now. I'm the only one mad.


I don't think I've said this yet - I talked to Shaun on the phone for about five minutes a couple days ago. I felt quite comfortable with it even though I was miserable that day due to sickness. I was congested, weak, and possibly with fever. I couldn't stop shaking. I was breaking out in a cold sweat. I was pale as a ghost with dark circles under my eyes and I couldn't even cry. it was bleak. anyway, just talking to him for that little bit was nice. maybe someday soon we'll have a longer conversation.

I told him I loved him last night and stayed up till almost 5:30am cause I was almost floating. he kept saying it back to me and each second he did, I got dizzy with elation. I don't get what it is about those words spoken from someone you care about that just does it. I've felt good before when I thought I had fallen in love, but it's different when it's one sided. and even him and Lindsey spoke cause she apparently wants to learn Kendo. I knew none of this; we don't talk enough lately! ack! I found out she has a sword too. we talked swords for awhile and then Shaun said she could IM him to learn more about it. she ended up not and he ended up IMing her instead. that seems nice. Lindsey seemed all giddy for it being so late over there; must be getting in all her fun times before... she'll be starting college on friday. I almost forgot!

Hmm...so, anyway, I guess I can say I'm partially happy, but I hate disagreeing with mom. I like the fun times and I know I could never just go against her wishes. I just need a way to compromise. I wish I was smart enough to come up with a good enough story or plan to make her accept.

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