I must premise this by saying my thoughts are scattered today and there is no consoling them as of right now, so I'm just going to talk in tangential stories. stories of what might be, what has been, and what is. erm yes, well, don't be too thrilled.

Hair and Who Cares?
11:11 PM CST

First story:

On the day of the last entry, mom had gone to this salon in the mall (toni&guy) to see if they did razor cuts. this woman at the front desk told her to talk to jonathan charles who was supposedly young looking (like 22) and he was abit snooty and took one look at mom and recommended jonathan since he'd be better to do the job. mom figured it was because he didn't want to do it himself; no old lady cuts today thankyouverymuch! erm, not my words..anyway, a haircut from one of the creative directors would cost $75 apparently. the lady showed the catalog of what they do and apparently they have like ten or so different levels of expertise. interesting. I heard jonathan charles was of a lower level, but the other was recommended. *smirk* I wonder why. and the names; haha - the names! I mean, what are the chances of there being two jonathans...*sniff*

Second story:

I woke up today to find no one home. this wasn't too unusual of an occurance on a saturday. I just shrugged it off and went about my usual thing. when the sun started to set and still no noises of car doors slamming, I started to worry abit. I had three thoughts in my mind. no note - a) ran away cause I stayed up too late last night b) gallbladder attack got worse and went to emergency room [whimpered abit at this thought hoping it wasn't true] c) guest came for surprise visit.

Turns out it wasn't any of these. she came home at around 8:45pm and told me her and dad went to Red Lobster and had some emotional conversation where he says he wants to work things out. well, I was just happy she was okay and such though she seemed abit sad. cause dad said some things about staying up there and hanging out with her side of the family (grandparents house I stay at when I go up north); that she felt bad that he was doing all these fun things with the family she hasn't gone up and visited in years, but yet was happy he seemed to have enjoyed himself and things were comfortable. I don't know what to think about all of this. I know one thing, I don't want to live in the same house as him evah evah again. it just isn't something I'd do. sure, I've been nicer to him this past week, but that doesn't mean anything to his personality patterns. he can go off at anytime or say something mean at any point where I could just lose it. also if I run out of happiness which I'm bound to do, things won't be pretty. sure, maybe I feel abit sorry cause he isn't dating, he says he's depressed and such; at least that's what mom says. I just think he goes back to fine better than us. he golfs, hangs out with his buddies at the bar, travels, works. he has more of a space of time not to think about things. on the other hand, we probably think constantly. at least I do ...about certain things. I have a more screwed up situation with my anxiety. he should be happy he has a social life is all I'm sayin' even if he thinks his friends were jerks up there - eh, he picked them.

Third Story:

Things are still going on with who I will now call Shaun cause that's his name. I have no pet name for him and maybe it's best that way. and better than saying "hey you!" or "him" when discussing or talking to him. mom and me had a talk about this. she says she doesn't want to put down my being happy, but the fact is, it'll end. that the motives aren't clear and that I'll just get hurt and shouldn't pursue anything. I think if I let this go, I'd go back into despair and just not get out so easily. when I think about it, I don't have much else. I have no idea where my life is going - I am directionless.

I want someone to dance with me and think I'm pretty for once. no one has ever wanted to or anything. I've always been the "friend" or the online relationship that's going nowhere. I somehow feel this is a different thing all together. that I'm older now and can now pursue whatever the hell I want to though I do understand the fact that I could be forced into something or I could be killed. how the hell would I know? I'll just make sure I'm not alone at the beginning; shouldn't that be enough? I mean, anyone you meet could have the potential to kill or be not so nice. I could go to a bar and have more troubles than I do here. I met dino and she didn't question his motives or think he'd go after me with a knife (funny sidenote: I'm listening to hole in my soul by Aerosmith and they said the line "turn the knife inside of me" ..haha). she actually thought I hid him when he had disappeared for awhile or made jokes that I was the scary ass one there since I wanted to pursue something at that time.

Anyway, I think Shaun is a nice guy and I have good vibes about him besides the sleeping in the same bed thought. mom said she wouldn't stand for that when I even suggested what he said about staying here. she said, "I'm the mom and I don't want a stranger walking around my house!" I understand completely. I tried to tell him to a degree. of course, if I told him to go stay at a hotel down the street, he might think that's sketchy - it could be a nice hotel and I could visit! it would give me a reason to go outside! um, now I'm really planning here. moreso, cause I have nothing better to do.

I have eBay, I have my websites, I have music, I have anime. that's my life besides him. what more? I'm just sick of always being one step back. thinking about what others think such as dad (he intimidated me enough when I was younger with teasing remarks that I never dated once in high school; I was afraid he'd make fun of me or say "oh no! he'll jump your bones! ahahah! ho ho ho!! I'll beat him with a stick! don't worry!" I just hated all of that. made me embarassed as hell). even mom to a degree though she thinks better of me and my choices. I try to understand what she says also cause we say it in a mannerly disposition unlike dad who just likes to intimidate! maybe he didn't know he was doing it....

I'm just sitting on the sideline right now. I have no idea what to think. just that I'm pretty much content and don't feel much in the way of bad vibes and I want to be cared about. I don't want to go back to being nothing.

Fourth story:

I went out to the garage earlier tonight and sat on the trunk of mom's car. I looked up at the sky and saw the stars in the sky. I felt just abit calmer at that moment as the wind blew my hair and I kicked my feet up. maybe I don't need to think. I just need to let things be however they end up being. at this point mom laughed at me swinging my feet up there, came back with the mail, grabbed her bottle of wine and we went back inside as I took one last glance. a slight breeze kicked up as the door shut.

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I just have to say, I have good luck with posting things at 11:11!! make a wish indeed.

- 08.18.2001 11:24 PM - Amber


I just have to say, real fast while I'm all sick and demented - umm why doesn't anyone comment here evah evah?

aren't I cool and deserving of praise? aren't I interesting? siiigh. stupid sickness.

I will regret even going online today, right?

- 08.20.2001 11:53 PM - Amber


Hey, I thought about commenting here, but you know how long winded I am. After my post this page would be HUGE! Especially since you can probably guess which story I'd comment on. Heheheheh... 8)

- 08.21.2001 02:47 AM - Andre


yes, haha. I should be in bed but I came back online and unblocked my list and now I'm talking to Shaun and starcat..heh.

I will never get to bed before 4am...I swear. at least I rested today alot during the daytime hours.

- 08.21.2001 03:42 AM - Amber


Well, heeeee, it's all Amber's fault that I'm still up!!! Ugh!!! 5 am!!!

Ok! Now you can't say I never ever post here!!! Heeee.

- 08.21.2001 04:02 AM - Starcat


my fault?? hee! ya could've went to bed anytime ya wanted. I would've been cool with that.

ya sound like Will. I have the powah to keep him up - he could be reading a book!

- 08.21.2001 04:07 PM - Amber


Hmmmm...Yup yup!!! Yer fault, lil lady!!!! Hee!!!

You just have that sort of powah over me!!!!!!! heheeeee

- 08.22.2001 12:36 AM - Starcat


I have that power over many this month. it's "my" super month damnit! heh heh

I feel like quoting some lyrics real quick cause erm, I'm listening to neutral milk hotel (Will suggested this song and damnit I can't get enough of it..heh) - "Oh how I remember you. How I would push my fingers through your mouth and make those muscles move, and make your voice so smooth and sweet"

heh, that line gets to me. why I keep listening...

- 08.22.2001 07:07 PM - Amber


OoooOOoooo....Neutral Milk Hotel huh?!?!? Way kewl!!! Avi from squishy had me download that a while ago....when I was still a napstering.....however, since Brian took off all my mp3's off the computer before it crashed on me....I have yet to put them back on....or even listen to them!!! Hee!!! Kewlness.

- 08.22.2001 11:24 PM - Starcat


yep, so far I only have two neutral milk hotel songs. this one is called 'in the aeroplane over the sea' ...it's quite melodic though the instrumental bits are abit squeaky. adds artistic value :P

and aaah....I have only 85 or so mp3s now. I used to have like 130

- 08.23.2001 03:32 AM - Amber


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