I can't stop the butterflies in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's from giddiness, from my poor sinuses/allergies that attack my head and go down my throat or what. yes, TMI. I took a break thanks to my special entry and now, trying to write again normally seems almost difficult.

This Pain in My Chest..
10:45 PM CST

I had a turkey sub and I ate it so fast I gave myself a double migraine (don't ask; I figured food lessens headaches; not gives them when they're not originally there). mom fashioned her new clothes she got at the mall today. sometimes I swear my mom is my sister - not an adult. not even I fashion new clothes. I then felt all giddy from my sweet chat of earlier that when she said there was a gap in the back; her butt didn't feel them out, I peeped in with, "your butt just isn't bootylicious enough for those pants!"


I find myself afraid of my almost too saccharine sweet mood of today. yesterday I was normal. today I find myself even more in a puddle of myself than I was before. suuuure I tease and tell mom things that could be considered insults all the time, but I usually don't laugh and join in like that too often. I'm not sure if she noticed how I was practically beaming and following her around. my jaw and ear may hurt like fuck, but I'm still grinning my ass off like I just went and wrote the word 'fuck' in dust like an evil child (idea taken from something
Heith said in one of the topics at squishettes; that makes me realise, I should add his site to the bookmarks...end parantheses).


I sometimes think this is too good to be true. dad called - back from his vacation in Ohio and I was actually nice to him. I mean, I almost talked to him like I would when I was fourteen. completely and utterly without contempt and just civil speak. I actually talked about what I was up to and giggled. chat chat chat. I forgot what it felt like to be without chains attached. to feel just abit more with it even if my body still falls apart from the horrible allergens. I fight them off with my insane happiness which it can't stand - it's like the evil villain and happiness is the hero who comes in to save the victim from horrible despair.


Still I listen to sad music (Central Standard Time - Get Up Kids and Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans) and I relate more to long distance related songs. the fact is that no matter how many happy moments that are had online, where will it lead? same as past relationships started online. I promised myself and others I wouldn't start any relationships before meeting a person. before knowing I can take on the realistic side effects. the fun is good, but things can't always be like a fairytale. it doesn't work that way.


Even mom semi-approves of him. she thinks it would be best if he had lived in this city, but then again, maybe it's better to have the distance so nothing scary will happen. keep him at a distance. a mom's still got to be protective, ya know? I don't get mad and say, "but buuuuut I never even had a relationship; a real one. these precautions will stop me from living! aaaack!" I really understand, but I still want to meet him and feel what it's like to really be extremely happy that the mundane is forgotten.


I still like my sarcastic-full-blown-the-glass-has-disappeared self. I just got off the hypothetical prozac for one night.

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