I've been feeling rather down lately; ooh boo hoo. I know, right? I'm not sure what it is. mostly it has to do with how I've been pretty up and about, actually working on stuff most everyday, then realising I should be more down than ever cause look, when I actually was depressed there was nothing to be depressed about! now, most of my friends seem to come and go more often than I talk to them and I could have a bladder infection. just great.

beautiful day with a hint of crack in the box
06:24 PM CST

Today I made cookies. I always make cookies to get rid of stress or to forget about why I hurt. it works for about half an hour. chopping with much furvor with the sense that I"m chopping heads off; fast!fast!chop!chop!chop! makes me think I should be on Iron Chef or something. stick 'em in the oven while I enjoy an iced tea right out of the fridge, go check my mail, visit sites, wait for the beep....I eat my warm cookies with a sense of joy, the smell enveloping the kitchen.

Go back upstairs afterwards and go back to my dull state of mind. the guest and mom come back and at least they can share the joy of freshly baked cookies sitting on top of the oven for maybe a second more. the guest likes my cookies I think. at least, he seems to get excited..hah. they brought back some stuff from the store. just frozen egg dinners and some fudge striped cookies. I guess it's better than nothing.

I felt rather alone yesterday. not an ounce of comedy could get me to laugh. I just sat there in pain, going to the bathroom every two hours when I didn't even drink much inbetween. it's just this intense urge to go with a sharp pain; it goes away once I go, and then I get a feverish hallucination and try to keep my head up cause I feel like if I decided to sleep, I'd never wake back up. I'm way too dramatic for my own good. a bladder infection shouldn't cause that much panic. all I must do is go when I have to go, drink alot and flush the toxins. it's just annoying is all. anyway, I sat there at the computer till abit past 3:30am reading squishettes (not saying much; just sitting there and reading all the threads..just trying to pass time and forget about my uncomfortableness and my need to cry) where I then went to bed and finished reading volume one of X/1999; very, very good. now I want volume two....

I've been thinking about finishing my Tenchi fanfic for awhile now. I can't believe I got as far as part 10 and haven't finished it yet! it's infuriating. well, part of it was registering this new domain, doing webdesign again after months of not even touching code beyond bold, italic and underline key, blockquote and a pagebreak, Squishy ending, squishettes beginning, catching up with sites and making another mix cd for this mix trade that was arranged at the beginning of July. it's hell, ya know? hah. I make my life seem more difficult than it is really. other people do this stuff plus a dayjob. all I do is sleep all day, complain about my stomach or various ailments, and do my webwork. I really, really should get paid to do this sorta thing. I wish I could get paid to write that fanfic, then I'd be alot more motivated to finish it if the destruction of Sakuya isn't enough! heh. I wonder if they publish fanfics in anime magazines....and pay you...hehe. always thinking of ways to make a buck, but it never works cause there is always someone better out there even if the way to make the money does exist. I'd just like a nice office job once I'm able to think clearly beyond my physical body, panic and guys. uhh yes.

Got lindsey's graduation thank you card today. I read it....so I guess I still get my thing from Italy even after I went on a tirade where I brought up making her those mix cds and I get nothing ever. ugh. sometimes I act so immature for my age, but then again, so can Lindsey and so can alot of people, so I shouldn't beat myself up over speaking without thinking at times. though I still would like those pesky radiohead disks back. sometimes I miss my bootlegs with a passion. especially the rarities disk which she told me she didn't have. I know it must be somewhere; I don't lose things ...evah.

My iced tea is watered down now; I hate when that happens. my pencam's batteries ran out. they use up batteries like a mofo! I just stuck new ones in a week or so ago; I could've sworn at least. I had to take a couple more pictures for the spying/wiretapping entry since the spacing was wrong..oh so wrong. I like to feel I accomplished perfection at some point.

Here's a line from The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle which I just finished two nights ago: If someone had seen me from outside, they'd have thought it was very, very strange. I must have looked like some kind of full-moon pervert going absolutely bonkers in the moonlight. But nobody saw me, of course.

the book was rather good. just now I read the last part again since I couldn't find the line I wanted to quote (sidenote: don't you hate when you find the perfect line you'd like to remember for abit longer, it's late, you think you'll remember the next day and ya don't. it drives you crazy! ya have to keep scanning and scanning the whole book practically and it takes at least half an hour to find the line or what you think was the line. yeah, I don't recall if that was the exact line, but it was pretty funny, heh. I do remember chuckling during that part, so it's good enough). I kept wanting him and May Kasahara to do something despite how bad that would be in real life with her being a minor and all. I don't know; they just seemed to have a bigger bond than him and Kumiko. though when describing her wardrobe, I wanted to have such a perfect wardrobe; hah! the book was like heroin though; a long crack-ridden jaunt which was very exhausting but very worth the read. maybe one day I'll even reread it when I have the time.

I need to check my eBay auctions now; up to $70 in bids :)

-not counting the reserved earrings; with them I have almost $100 in bids..too bad really that I can't sell them unless they get up to the reserve price...I just don't want to sell for less than what they might be worth now. they're definitely worth more than $30.

my legs hurt in this bent position...they do.

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