I can put different scenes in my head at any time I want. all I need is a certain soundtrack that gives me the mental hip shake. that's all it takes. either it must appear in my head or I must play it. otherwise, that thought could diminish and much frustration would occur.

I Am a Dreamer
04:15 AM CST

Daydreaming hasn't come easily lately. all I can think about is the fact that my arms hurt, grandpa's birthday phone call, and the fact that my ingrown toenail is turning green around the edges - it's gross. I do wish I could resort to better thoughts again. leave the mundane. I can only do that in actual night dreams lately if I'm not pushing thoughts into my head so fast, even those dreams cannot stay.

If I think about Dino, I'll feel guilty cause he could appear at my site at any moment and read about what I thought that day. though it would be pleasing (to think about him, not that he was reading the entries). I just figure there's not a chance, so why waste my good daydreams? I'm just rather confused. that's probably why I can't begin long storylines as often. I used to do it for hours upon days upon months of the same plots and ..yeah, they'd eventually end, but something new would take its place. I just don't think I should get enthused quite yet.

I can't think about FB anymore either. it has gotten old and I can't even picture his face anymore. the picture disintegrated into thin air after the computer crash and now it's just a blur. if he hasn't written back by now, I figure he is either just scared of me (propositioning him, maybe?) or he doesn't give a damn and never did, like most I think did. I do wonder where his cousin went off to though. I liked him in a way though he's engaged or something. he was quite funny and I miss our chats. damnit. I lose one, I lose connections too! the only connection that stayed tied even after the other left, was Atalia. I'm glad that friendship stayed though me and her brother hardly talk lately.

I can't even think about "Barista" - uhhh one thing is that I never had a 'that kind' of liking towards him and he disappeared too. I still wish we could talk more about music and thoughts that no one else seemed to get. yeah, I miss him. I once did try to like him at one point when we first chatted since I hear baristas are tasty indeed (this makes me think of something me and Lindsey would discuss; yeah I know...) ...hee! I just ended up having a friendly "let's hang out sometime" kind of relationship. I still was smitten with that and miss it like many friendships.

I've been silly lately. this is something I thought was leaving me. I mean, I sit and laugh and have normal conversations more often than naught. for awhile, I got too serious and refused to even crack a grin. now, I try; maybe an evil grin, but I try. hence, this new domain here! I change my image abit, I change the domain. damnit. I hope I don't change it to something crazy next and this won't do anymore. no, no. I think this could do for my many personalities despite that there are many that could appear.

Grandpa's birthday was today/yesterday...the 18th. he thinks I should go to Ohio again soon. I'm considering it, weird - definitely weird. he said we could rent a laptop, so I could do my thing without abandoning my work for weeks on end since my one excuse was that with the new site, it would be a bad idea not to give it good publicity first and I'd lose potential readers if I went on a break so soon. I guess he has a point though an expensive point. renting laptops seems mighty expensive. anyway, nothing is fact yet. he likes to say outrageous things to get me to go over there. I really want to see all of them and I think it would be nice and better than staying here everyday; day in and day out. I just wish I could get over that habit. this could break it. Lindsey goes to Italy on Thursday morning, so I have some time to think it over before she returns. maybe August...

I'm abit tired. many mix cds and greeting cards later, and I have no desire to ramble on anymore.

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