march 25, 2001
and what I'd consider nonpleasant


it's like school nights where I'm hiding from something and I wake up in the midst of the night wearing the same clothes with the door partially open and not knowing where I am. yes, I've been going to my room in the evenings lately instead of being online and watching tv. this is something I never did before; well, not recently. I've been falling asleep during the nighttime shows and waking up at 4am [the usual time I'd head to bed from the computer]. it's horrendous. it usually has to do with my stomach. I figure it'll calm it down if I lay flat instead of sitting up in this chair that isn't as comfortable as it used to be. maybe it needs a pillow, but there's no room. it takes up half the chair when I put one there. one of those throw pillows from the couch downstairs [it now has a permanent home on the reject chair in the corner].

mom only seems atad concerned when she finds me laying down and not at the computer. it's like she does a doubletake, but then takes over where I'm still signed online and does her own thing. today, during my rapid heartbeat fit, she figured if I wanted to go to the doctor fine; if not, I should shutup about my predicament. maybe she's right, but it seems when I voice out my hardships, they go away or become better cause they are out in the open. it's an old habit which makes it seem that everything I feel is bad. the rapid heartbeat wasn't even as noticeable; I had some french fries cause the salt helps and now there's no pain in my fingertips or burn in my heart as it pumps away like there's no tomorrow. I woke up in a tizzy for the second time today [first time at 4:43am; where I turned off the computer - now I see how people are on all the time. just leave it on unattended. it stays on] at 10:43am with my foot numb. it was like I had a boot on; I mean, I kept stomping it on the bed and it was completely fuzzy. couldn't feel much of anything. then, the real fun began when it began to tingle and I couldn't budge it. I held my breath till the pain subsided and I could move it like normal. since I was already awoken [hell, I slept long enough], I turned on the tv and watched fox family channel. alot of fun to be had I tell ya.

I had two strange dreams; psycho dreams sorta. the first one involved pamie. someone looked at me and said I looked like pamie "renee" and I was confused cause I didn't know that was her middle name and I still thought it seemed weird. I think I said, "really? pamie the journalist?" and the girl said, "no her mom" and then I was really confused. I then popped in with, "I have her book!" I really believed she had a book too. I got it out and it had a picture of her on the cover and inside were tons of stories [hell, I wish this book did exist! I'd buy it ;)]. anyway, that was all for that dream. my dreams have become snippets - not stories. the next dream was me eating potato chips and orange tic tacs both at the same time and I got a cavity. I woke up feeling the right side of my mouth to make sure my teeth weren't hurting cause they damn well did in the dream and I don't need more pain. enough as it is. they didn't hurt though so this is good.

so they are coming in april; not may and it's for real. I reallly don't want company right now. with my stomach being so bad at times that I have to go lay down and the pain in my chest and otherwise weight on top of me, I don't want visitors to see this. grandpa hasn't seen me since the time he was mad at me in november 99 and I don't want him to then come here and think I haven't changed at all; get mad at me again. it's a process. this is just a bad time. I've had a few good times since the last time he saw me, but somehow I doubt that'll matter cause he didn't witness it. he's coming cause he hasn't seen me in awhile and it was a spontaneous buying of tickets. oh yeah, grandma is coming too and bringing biscottis. heh. I just don't think it's a good time. I am delighted to see them and I wouldn't turn them away, but damnit, I'm no fun right now. they'll be unhappy that I'll refuse to do anything cause I can barely walk without something hurting. I wouldn't take a chance in going out in public in this condition. even on normal conditions it's tough, but right now I'm falling apart and I need time to rebuild myself. it certainly will take longer than a mere week or so! why couldn't they wait till summer to visit? this ain't fair. nothing happens at the right times. maybe I'm selfish, maybe I should keep my chin up for them for the ten days they're here and then go back to misery, but it doesn't work that way. I can't hide my pain. it's not so simple.

I still yearn to hear from FB though. a letter is all I want. no use him seeing me looking pallid and bleak. I just think if I heard word from him, in letter form, I'd perk up abit. my attitude is probably half of my problem. the butterflies I create in my stomach that make it impossible for me to budge from bed. I tried to stop with the crying, but I still let out a few when I feel rather upset with my situations. I'm so mixed up. I want to see FB; then I don't. I want to see people like relatives. then I don't [it's a bad time - whatever]. I just go off and on and my emotions go wild. one second I am so happy I dance around the room and sing at the top of my lungs and then the next I am sitting in a corner like I'm goth [I actually picture black and vampires - don't ask], crying my eyes out and saying how horrible my life is. I hope grandpa doesn't threaten hospital visits again. it's just not a good time for that. I have nothing for him to be proud of about me though. that's one thing I'm so upset about. I have nothing great to tell him. I could tell him about FB and how there is possibility for me interacting with people again, but I won't. well, for one, nothing is happening now. siiigh. I guess grandma might be upset that me and ethan don't talk as much anymore after all the good I told her about him in the summer. feelings change I s'pose. I still hope to hear from him soon. I think we're still friends. yeah.

I was just talking to atalia earlier today about how friends come and go; they fade away slowly. nothing big happened; no dramatic scene with a closing of the curtain. just going in other directions; too busy, etc. it was nice to talk to atalia again though. it is surprising that we still remain friends after so long. I was happy to hear that she is doing well and on spring break. I remember the times of spring break. hell, I think mine would be over by now if I was still in school, but anyway. I only had a few fun packed spring breaks. towards the end, I'd just sit at home and waste time and be happy to do so leaving all homework till the final day. how lovely memories are! oh yeah, it seems she got a boyfriend too! I say good for her since I think she was worried earlier about people she liked not reciprocating. I'm never in a damper over friend's happiness. there's also brian, who is supposedly still in florida. I hope he is still doing well and things are good. he says I got them together, but I still don't take credit for it. it's all their doing; not mine. I just invited him to a forum out of boredom. aah, I'm such a selfish one. garnering others to join forums for my own enjoyment! hee! welll, none of my other friends would join, ya know? lindsey was the one who was the harshest over it. I mean, I still recall her saying "I'm not as into computers as you are!" umm she talks computers just as much as I do. and I hardly know the terms. I just can make a webpage and enjoy forum discussion like most people around our age and in their twenties. it's the way of the world now. it doesn't make me or anyone a geek. now, if I had a pocket protector and knew how to fix my computer when it was broken and watched star trek or star wars it would be mighty different! okay, so I sorta turned this paragraph around. what I'm sayin is that I'm glad some of the people I know have happiness and to the ones who don't, I hope they get it soon. even FB if he isn't happy. at least I'm not selfish in that respect. I don't care if I remain alone forever if everyone else is happy. it's when mom's upset or grandpa's upset [etc] that I become sullen. that I can't deal with things. I just can feel the difference when others are at odds with themselves and there's no way I can change it. I can't even change my own emotion once it starts so I damn well can't change others at the flip of a coin.

I had been talking to someone on icq named Dragon last week. he seemed to like me abit too much. I seemed to have made him happy in those few discussions on anime and such, but then I began to say mean things. it was after he kept asking when we could talk on the phone or meet. I told him I don't talk on the phone with people often and that I wasn't in the mood for company and that it was nothing against him, but I wasn't really interested in a relationship with him [the bringing roses comment set me off plus the "I'd go out with you" or "what would you do if I asked you out" comments]. I felt bad for having to say all of this, but helll we had only had a few chats on trivial things and I had brought up FB plenty of times [I felt bad for doing so, but what else could I do when I knew what he seemed to be after; too persistant, but in a naive way]. I have a feeling he won't talk to me as much anymore cause he seemed to be set on meeting me and was lonely. I can't stop his lonliness so I'm sure he'll look elsewhere and try with other girls on icq. heh.

my stomach is mumbling again and it's getting too dark to see, so I'll stop typing for now.

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