I feel like I've been passed out on my face for the past billion hours. I don't know why. whatever. listening to a very 60s-ish sounding song as I watch the sun go down and yes, I'm back.

What The Morning Does To Me
08:48 PM CST

Yesterday was the first day that I've been at all energetic in like the past week. I spent most of the week in my room till 3-4pm and then walked around like someone died the rest of the time. I was abit hyper come Thursday night when I mixed chocolate with my tea, but as soon as I woke up, I was still abit blasť.

Basically I took about a week off for a reason. another one of those depression episodes. I wrote about the start of it last Saturday, but then some occurance happened the next day that put me back in that state. once I get deep into the depression, it takes a down right miracle to get me out of it. in the days before computers, it took a whole three months to get me out of a depression. hah!

Anyway, so yeah, something happened, but my head no longer feels like it's going to explode. I was just not liking the fact that I couldn't solve it myself, so I spent most my time sleeping or in a stupor hoping I wouldn't combust right there. by Thursday I was pretty accepting to it since I spoke to the MATHletes, read a funny article, and yes, yes, I mixed chocolate with my tea. maybe they should give that to patients instead of prozac or whatever other drug is on the market. of course, yeah I guess that wouldn't be ethical seeing as it creates a big high, but then a low is soon to follow. I guess that's why getting drunk isn't an option either, but whatever. tea/chocolate combo is safe no matter if it only works for a few hours till pass out time. it's the time between wanting to jump out a window and forgetting about it. it's a saviour ...or whatever. I wouldn't actually jump out the window. I'd just end up breaking one bone and then thinking to myself, "gee this sucks." soooo yeah, only if I landed on my head would I perhaps go into a coma. I don't know why I contemplate such things, but I do. even if I never do it, I think about it and what would happen when it does.

I got a kick out of picturing myself rolling out of control on the fitness ball, impalling myself out the window, glass everywhere, me bouncing across the main road and getting run over...ball deflating. that should be made into a kick ass artsy indie film. really.


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My dreams lately have been rather odd. the other day I dreamt I was in some record store and Lexy from the soap opera I watch was there. she looked psychotic. all of the sudden, I felt like I was having an orgasm and woke up. wtf is that about? it was quite pleasant though. I should mind fuck myself in the pleasurable way daily. oh yeah, then the next day I dreamt I was in a bookstore looking for graphic novels. this took awhile, but when I was exiting the store, this old man appeared asking when I was leaving. I understood it to mean when I was leaving the city, not the store. I said "on the 69th." then the old man did a little hop and a skip, throwing his cane in the air. I am thinking, what in the hell? today was a school dream. we had to watch a long ass movie that was like 3hrs. then I popped open a locker that wasn't mine and threw out all the stuff. I realised I must make it outside fast. construction was going on and I threw a hissyfit. they told me to participate, but I just wanted to go home. I was angry cause I did not just waste all that time being bored, to not be able to go home. whatever. that one wasn't even perverted. why did I mention it?

Staying up for cartoons didn't work again. I was reading my magazine, kept the light on allll night. till 8am. I passed out on top of it and wrinkled the cover. lovely. I slept off and on till 3pm. that was just lovely. or not. I still feel like my head is fuzzy ...focus focus.


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Last night, the energetic/hyper night. that night, around 6pm, I got my jcrew clothing in the mail. the shoes will arrive sometime in June - in about a week I think. anyway, I tried everything on. the skirt with the wrap shirt makes me look like I'm going to stand on a streetcorner. mostly cause no matter how I tied it, my bra would still semi-show depending on how I was standing. I still like it - maybe not both together though unless I truely want to go for the seductress look. I wouldn't say slutty. the skirt isn't *that* short. maybe club wear-like.

I still haven't decided what I could wear with the burgundy pants. mom said definitely no to the red top with the pants....hah. I dunno. I just figured if I buy too many black articles of clothing, I'd be goth, soooo um, I went for colour this time. red/burgundy schtuff. I got the wrap shirt in grey though and the skirt in black. I didn't want a khaki skirt. too animal planet.

After trying on everything, I decided before I was to put it all away, I'd reorganise my closet. I had nothing better to do ....I tossed everything off the side shelves. all junk. I kept the shoeboxes though and piled allll the shoes I no longer wear at the bottom. I don't know why I get so many shoes I cannot walk in and/or only look cool for two seconds. I had a pair of tennis shoes that are still semi-good though...I guess in case I really *would* like to jog at 2:30am.

Now, my closet is organised as such: jacket, skirt, fancier pants / casual pants / jeans, tank tops / snazzy tops / off the shoulder tops, cardigans, tshirts ...all old clothes or winter clothes I took to the other closet in the computer room. that's where the junk goes. now everything is to my liking. I cannot stand a mess. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner actually.

After all this, I was bouncing off the walls telling mom to look in my closet cause accomplishment isn't satisfaction till someone has seen what you have done. mom was scared for me; that I must organise everything. please, it's not like I'll die if it isn't exactly, but ya know, I like it better in some order. I used to be worse on the obsessive compulsive front ...like the whole spitting five times after brushing my teeth song and dance. I still have trouble ever changing my shower routine though. I hate if I ever wash my hair before washing my face. it's weird.

I ate a garden burger which mom was making while I straightened everything up. I barely recall eating it; I just stuffed it in and then bounced away again. I could NOT sit still that long. I typed alot as well and at a faster speed. spoke in the forum to some people, then talked to people on aim. sat about trying to calm down awhile. played the apple game somemore. still cannot get over 8813. my goal is 14000+ cause I'm a sad pathetic person. well, I have a better reason than that, but not by much. I swore when I first played the game I got that score, but I'm not sure whether I just saw the high scoresboard and thought I did or I really did. to prove it or well, to be able to say I really did, I must get over that amount. uh yes. my goals are not ambitious ones in the least.


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Today after waking up and reading my mail, I started on the mix cd for the squishettes trade. this is what I came up with after barely 10min of making a setlist. I never lose my touch. hopefully they'll like it. I cannot get enough. I'm the master.

Sooo yes, souptime!
and mom just looked at me and asked why I wasn't eating it - I yelled at her that I was just about to - she looked at me like I just said "shutup bitch" ...I did not. okay, that's it. I'm fine.

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