I'm in some romantic mood all o' the sudden. it's all cause of the end of Felicity. it made me teary eyed. my premonition that the whole past thing would be her dreaming came to be true except really, maybe she just thinks she was dreaming. I could psychoanalyse the ending forever, but I was hoping it wouldn't end with her still in the past. at least that didn't happen.

Turn It Back
09:29 PM CST

Ya know, sometimes I think about what I'd change if I could go back in the past. there's ALOT that I've done wrong. made wrong decisions. just completely screwed up really. I don't even know if I got a second chance if I'd do it then though. I'm a loser like that. mom always tells me that there's no need to go back and that there's still the future. that I can still change things for the future if I wanted to. yeah, easier said than done, yo.

Anyway, if I *could* go back, I'd probably start with 1997. the year things went wrong. the year I started this journal. actually, I'm wondering if I would have started the journal or got pushed into the net like I did if we didn't have that horrible falling out in November. I'm thinking probably not. we'd still be going driving every night and running errands for her mom per usual. that could've changed the people I know now and the things I like to do. yeaaah, not that it's much, but it's alot to me. I always used to rant and complain about not having any friends and wishing I could go back and make her change her mind. ya know, she was screwed up. nothing I would have said would've made her change her mind unless I stopped following her around. stopped agreeing to do whatever she wanted me to do and ignoring my friends from school I knew while she was still gone. in 1996, when we had just started hanging out more frequently, I cancelled things alot with other people. one inparticular I remember was spending the night at their apt and going to Dickens on the Strande with Teri on short notice - I got to be a slave - when I was supposed to go shopping with Evita, one of my good friends. I recall calling her house once I got back and Teri was sitting on the floor with her skirt all poofed out, staring at me as I mumbled why I didn't go to the mall. her dad yelled at me and was all "I'll tell 'er" in this stern voice and hung up. gah, I felt awful that she had left and I didn't go. she always took my wishy washy excuses in stride though, ya know? she'd say she found someone else to go with her or met someone there since she was always so friendly and easygoing ....never ever yelled at me. she always would forgive my actions. I don't know. I used to be a really awful friend to everyone else cause Teri didn't like them or whatever. yeah, well, eh. I'm sure she either changed or is doing it to someone else or someone is being like that to her. maybe the way things turned out with me for awhile with no friends was a kick of karma to basically say I couldn't just go back once she betrayed me. well, what's a 16yr old to do, eh? I didn't really get at all depressed for months though cause I tried to rebuild and I almost succeeded till everyone ditched me for my 17th bday party which I always bring up since I was just starting to panic then. I was actually hoping it would get cancelled though it sounded fun since I was feeling extremely strange around then. extremely timid and shut off and didn't know why. I still was hurt when people started cancelling cause it was a reason to break down. *shrugs*

I think I already live in the past really since the past is what I talk about most when I'm not talking about someone I want in a delusional way. ah well. I'm not even depressed right now. just nostalgic or wanting something.


---

Onto present times ....all day I've been wearing a pink lei. mom had it in a bag she brought back with her around four something. with my floral red silk pants they go well. I look festive when really I'm rather sluggish, but I twirled a few times. ooooh what one extra accessory can do to change your mood for just alittle while.

Right now I'm feeling very ugh though. my ears were bothering me and making me feel nauseous again and now I don't even want to finish my piece of cake. yes, there is still cake. I haven't been eating it as much though. mom has. she just asked if I wanted a piece now, so I have one.

I was on a roll there for a second when talking about the past, but now that the ill feeling is coming back, I've lost it. I so suck...sorry. all these shows ending are sad. geez.

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