Another day, another lovely goddamn day. that's beginning to be my mantra of sorts. everyday has a glimmer of goodness. everyday has something good about it. also, everyday has something bad about it. works in pairs. works in pairs my friend. sometimes I'd like to stay in bed hearing sounds through my head and all around me and ....and stay close to the dream.

Someone Calls Me Up On The Phone
11:25 PM CST

My head is throbbing abit. I've been thinking too much and holding my breath too often. it's like I'm about to explode, but over what I don't know. things are going swimmingly. well, not really, but things look that way on the outside and that is what is importanté. I think I should write poetry again. I was always less stressed out when I'd write. it calmed my nerves. all I ever write anymore is on this site. I do see it has been on the decline. it certainly depends on the day though.

The best work is always written when depressed. I can say the same for most great songs, most great prose, most great anything. happiness is overrated in the sense of creativity. of course, I like to see the sunny days for what they are and not see an overlaying black cloud looming overhead every second. that can get dreadful and bad for my health. I mean, if I want to write brilliantly, I must be sad. at least one aspect of me must be dark. me when happy is good occasionally, but I've seen what I produce when giddy. it is abit teenybopper which is fine occasionally, but I lose my credibility after awhile of that.

I used to write under 'hobbies' that I liked to create drama. drama can cause me much unneeded tensensess and harm, so I stopped feeling the need to write about stuff that would appear in a soap opera so often. a couple years back, I wrote some horrrible horrrrible gag worthy descriptions of love. it was rather delusional of me, though I guess sweet in a way. it was like I wanted to feel so badly, that I'd create feeling to help me through the day. without passion, what was I really, ya know? I liked to feel fake happy which was ALOT more drama filled than um, real happiness I guess. I knew deep down I would never win over my crushes. it was just something to continue to write about. the funniest was the one that I mentioned the crumbling of a rose that was stomped on, crumbling to dust and the fetal position crying on the metaphoric floor ...oh yeah, and the "feeling" that I could almost feel him breath on the back of my neck and almost feel the moisture from his kiss. wtf? I was demented, yo!


Speaking of the past - I wouldn't really be where I am if not for then, so I'm okay with that self - I'm semi-glad I don't delude myself anymore. I still do hurt occasionally, but I really, really think it's psychological. sometimes the deepest feeling of dread fills me and I cannot stop it. I don't try to cause it to appear, so I figure there's nothing inherently wrong with anything in my life. I'm glad I can come to that conclusion and not feel guilty when the feeling comes and goes.

The more ya live, the more you understand yourself. I sound like a 'self help' book, but anyway. I've just been thinking alot about how far I've come though I always think I haven't gotten far in the long run. I can at least realise psychologically I'm healing somewhat.

Going outside three times this week is progress mah friends, progress. getting used to stepping out is a good thing. I'm not entirely agoraphobic though. just people phobic. I feel that if I get used to stepping out and walking around, that then a small crowd won't bother me. being in the same environment of the house can be damaging whether a person is agoraphobic, mental, normal, whatever.

Today, more "outdoor book" reading. this book is my "outdoor" book now whether it's the type or not. I really am liking it so far. I cannot go wrong with a Murakami novel though. mom still doesn't get the appeal. she thinks it's kill worthy. she did promise that if we go to the pool anytime this week again, she'd bring the book I told her she should read. now that's love. hee!

By the way, she has added another item she'd like. now I'm wondering whether to get her both items or just the one or what. I'm feeling extra giving lately and want to get her a nice gift. the newest item she wants is cheap (like $10) soooo I feel I *should* get her two gifts to be fair. I guess I'll decide soon enough since it's gotta arrive by Mother's Day. I sort've want a Gilmore Girls Tubey shirt from TWoP, but that's more of something I'd wear considering it says "Give Your Mommy a Hug" or somethin''s too cute for uh school? hee!


On to the Optimal point of this entry - I realise I miss conversation. I miss phonecalls. I want a phonecall that's just for me. not just that I pick up the phone and talk to whoever is on the other end whether they called for me or not. this has been bothering me. I figure I still have abit of phone phobia with calling others cause I fear they might not be home, I might have to leave a message, someone else might pick up, I might not know what to say once they pick up. it's just a big loop of fear. I know others might not like calling either; I just, I dunno....I like the feeling I get after a good conversation from one topic to another. I especially miss the late night phonecalls. the ones that last till 3-4am. damnit, I want that back. so, yes, ya know my number? call, please?

This ends my public service announcement and my trip back in time to psychoanalyse my former self. I'm okay, really.

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