snip snip snip. I'm feeling all down again. it's like if I had taken antidepressants before this would be me off of them. I just think it's cause I'm standing back and uhh as stupid as this sounds, looking at myself as a real person. not just someone who is trying to be busy, so I won't ever have to think long enough to see myself as really here. it's even funny that I told mom yesterday, it was like sometimes she was a hologram. she's so short and cutesy that sometimes I think she's like those little fairies who pop in with a wand in their hand and then disappear with some pixie dust in their wake. just funny how I think like this at times.

meandering nods of contempt
10:05 PM CST

I just find myself thinking not many are reading or are afraid to comment on my work. I got one fanmail earlier, but I wonder if it's for the weblog or not. that one I don't have any remorse over. I always get remorse over my journal for not being as popular as the ones that came after it; like even Pamie (of the not-anymore-Squishy *siigh*) who started almost a year after I did. I guess I never really tried, but my journal hasn't been as successful as the weblog (as successful as the weblog has been considering it only gets 50 hits on average but that's still more than the journal ever has).

Mom tells me that since someone had been nice to me at some point and not many have any qualms with me, that I shouldn't feel so bad about things. it's just that I kept thinking about how I don't want to fail. I am in debt over paying for this website and no one uses it's coolest feature! what I paid for! what people missed from the weblog! I'm just disappointed and I know I can't "make" people do anything. maybe it's that air of desperation around me. the same as if you want to get a date, you can't act like you want one.

I realise that I have always tried too hard to get visitors, to get recognition, to be one with the in crowd and then I fail and I start over somewhere else. I've had my archives online since I started up until now. maybe people don't realise how much I've done considering I've only had like two fans over the course of my three years of journalling before the archives disappeared. now I just have abit more than a year of archives. maybe everyone's relieved the old has gone though since they really weren't all that exciting. besides my computer assistant job my senior year (I didn't get paid to do this; it was what I did instead of another class to complete my requirements or something). I guess when I got on tv during that Rockets basketball game was another interesting point as well.

The point is that what the journal is now wasn't how I operated before which is maybe why my headstart was a false one since I basically wrote for me and never though to put it in many groups or get involved with any other journallers. I'm just feeling rather upset though I guess it's just my migraine talking right now.

I would've liked to talk about something abit more upbeat, but I can't think of anything. some guy emailed about the earrings today saying if I don't sell them, he'll take them for $75. I say only if I don't pay the shipping and insurance (like hell!) ..not that I've emailed him back yet since the auction isn't over and someone could snatch them up before then for more. I just hold these earrings as my way to get the things I desperately need like the sheets and such. I certainly can't if I sell them for less than what they're worth. then what nest egg do I have of value here? nothing! though listing it over and over and over again does me no good since I'm paying eBay fees each and everytime. maybe that's what this guy wants to save me from though I feel bad for lowering my standards just cause I'm proving em all right that I can't sell them for what I really want.

I've been having that feeling that ALOT of things are missing from my life. I have the funny, I have the ebay, I have the anime and I even have André back as a friend. I can't say I'm missing a boyfriend since I don't know what that's like. it just seems like I have it on the tip of my tongue, but I'm not exactly sure. whenever I think I've figured it out, I realise I still wouldn't be very happy. maybe I miss being "carefree" ...yeah I possibly was at some point in time. ditch my finicky weird side which refuses to do anything of any value of excitement. I just sit here and decide to think out my life all the time or work on webstuff like I do every weekday.

At least I finished the fanfic. I feel all proud of myself for that one. is down for improvement but stories that are already up can still be read. I signed up for it and only read about that after the fact of trying to 'add a story' wouldn't let me do it. just kept showing a white page that said 'an error has been spotted' or something like that. I figure at least I got the signing up part out of the way and can focus on uploading the story as soon as it's back up on the 8th or 9th.

Oh yes, speaking of dates, it's actually the beginning of August. so soon? that's the month I first "met" FB. we talked since then. I believe it might've been the end of August, but still the same idea. it's funny that we only actually conversed for the first three months of the year we've supposedly "known" each other. eh, I still miss talking to him. I guess I can get over the flirtation since it is never real. here I go getting bitter again...I'm just sick of being screwed over in some way. I don't try to make things serious, but for once I'd like to have the happy and carefree without feeling like it'll all end sooner than I think. no expectations cause what's the point, right?

Anyway, don't worry. I'm just having a bad day due to picking at my scalp due to humidity and causing a bad migraine to start and the heat in this room that makes it hard to breathe. I promise to be funny at a later point and time (you know when). see ya then!

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