june 09, 2000
the blasphemous journal categories
ooh lookie!! I seeeee an epiphaaannnyyyy!


Helloo, my name is Amber and I almost didn't even try to step when it comes to Squishy! I had a dream and a vision and a big flash of light shot me in the ass and told me, "you've got to write a Squishy entry once in your life or you will never be known and that would be a tragedy my friend." soo I nodded to the heavenly head staring down at me from the ceiling of my lit bathroom as I held the toothbrush dripping in my hand. the dream shall be made!

without further adieu, here I go!

there are many different types of journal styles out there on the web. I have thought about it and thought about it; my journal doesn't fit into just one of these hypothetical categories. I'm very cultured and change my style monthly so there's no bore. I shall not talk about mine though. here's the typical categories:

the dramatic epiphany type:

the type where all they ever do is blather on about dreams and "awakenings" while doing mundane everyday things. this can get quite annoying if it becomes a constant.

quote: as I stared into my glass of oj, with the sounds of jewel streaming in the background, the light hit the glass and I saw an epiphany. all I wanted to do was go out and decide my future.
my comment: I bet if I was doing the same thing I would not be thinking about my future. I'd be thinking the drink needed more ice and when a good song would play on the radio. epiphany my ass.

high fidelity revisited:

there's not many of these out there, but I'm sure they are around. they usually sit there and discuss music throughout their whole entry. and if they go to a concert..whoa! watch out!! you'll get a blow by blow description of how it went and if they touched the band member's hand. there might even be top five lists or how a regular pop song feels to them. they also bombard their journal with lyrics upon lyrics.

quote: so, dude!! I went to the star implosions concert and touched woobie's hand! he is GOD! bow down! here's the top five list of the best SI concerts:
the 94 one [DUDE!!!]
the 96 one [DUDE EVEN BETTER!!]
...and so ooon!
my comment: this is the most annoying thing I've ever heard since what if I don't know the band they speak of and I don't really care the top concerts or what the hell it was about and how they felt about it. they should make a music page if they wanted to go on and on about crap. hrm! this is even worse when the band name doesn't ring a bell at all. believe me, there probably is a group called star implosion somewhere, and God forbid.

health reports:

these type are the worst. I wouldn't even read this type of journal if my life depended on it, well, unless it's a friend and I feel my right to do so.

quote: I had a big ball of mucus stuck in my throat and last night, I couldn't breathe right since my chest hurt. I hope I don't have to go to the hospital again so I can get a blood transfusion with those shiny little needles.
my comment: ugh, this makes me want to shudder with sickness. I don't want to hear this type of stuff and especially while I'm eating. it's not right. not right at all. I do admit, I used to talk about my sinuses but not anymore and if I do, I don't go into detail or write a whole entry about it. we just don't care!

boring routine:

you see these everyday. they need to be stopped!! they need to leave the planet!! [well, unless they have interesting lives but most of the time this isn't so!] do we care if you had corn flakes for breakfast? do we care that you were at work doing spreadsheets?? if it's the same boring thing everyday, I will yawn and click off the little box in the corner in horror.

quote: today, I had my usual english muffin and quickly grabbed the keys and was off to my exciting job at the office to do somemore spreadsheets for a few hours. then, I'd go on my lunch break, tired, and grab an extra value meal, eating it in my car and back to work. blablabla. snoresnoresnore.
my comment: I want to shoot myself in the head while reading these types. can you be so horribly boring? don't you have something happening in your head?? don't you want to get out of your rut??? I mean, really...there are too many of these on the net. please kill me.

I'm at work:

the ones who only talk about work. unless you are a comic or an actor or a clerk or maybe, even a doctor, we don't want to hear about it. at least not everyday. if something big has happened or something funny and interesting that could be written in a book, I'll let it pass, but not this:

quote: I am sooo bored here. I'm at work again, typing up somemore reports. will it ever end??? I wonder when it's time to go home. only 10:15?? I thought it would be later. well, I better get these faxes started. same thing everyday. report back tomorrow!
my comment: sometimes this can be worse than the routine type since all they ever discuss is their job. at least with routines there's more of their life put out there. this is even worse when almost every entry sounds the same as the last. where is the entertainment? what makes people want to come back??

I'm funnnny:

I don't have much of a problem with this type obviously, but if you try to put up a standup act each time you write an entry and it's not funny enough, then it's going too far. we don't want a performance piece everytime if it's not in you. we just don't. I've failed sooo many times at trying too hard and well, I learned my lesson. unless I really have something funny to tell, I leave it alone.

quote: so, look, I was at the dentist the other day and said, "could there be enough gas in here??? there's enough to cause a big stink! ooooowww my ass is on fiiiirre!! get it??? fire!!"
my comment: you can see the tomatoes and other various vegetables being thrown at this poor person. they are trying too hard, they are sweating it out, they want people to like them. it is so sad, really, really sad. I can feel this joke coming from a mile away and it hurts me right in the chest.

well, these are the basic categories. I have probably been all of these at one point before I realised how boring it was. I didn't do the work one though since I've never had an actual job. the point is that, being just one of these categories aaaallll the time is boring. at least written in the way I wrote them. so boring I could kill myself! I hope we've learned something here and now I will move on to one last thing which has been on my mind.

does anyone else get fed up with little shortened versions of words [acronyms] that you've never heard shortened before. I know what BRB is and even what LMAO is, but what is DIY and what is NB? there are plenty more, but I can't even recall them right now. I'm sure someone will use one I've never heard in my life and drive me crazy so I just have to smile and nod silently and pretend I know what they're saying. I have the urge to say this if someone asks me what their page looks like, "it's BYOB...not classy enough!" then, if they haven't been to certain clubs or heard the commercials for them, they wouldn't know what I was talking about. FYI [hee!], it means "bring your own bottle" so if ya didn't know that, now ya know. I also feel like making acronyms out of other words like my scribble FUSCIA [I spelled it wrong okay?]. it shall now stand for Fuck Underestimated Scribbles of the Central Intelligence Agency. maybe it's too much though, eh?

really, alot of things bother me. do I sound bitter?

and exit stage right! goodbye squishites!

boy does she need help. sheesh!
question that shall be asked: journal categories that make me want to die with boredom

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All Writing/Images Copyright 2000-01 Amber.
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